29 Jan 2023

 Harini I nangis teruk sangat. Teruk sangat. Lama sangat. Apa yang finally buat I tenang and boleh composed myself is when I ended up nangis2 sambil ulang2 cakap “Ya Allah, Sakinah is sorry. Sakinah is sorry. Sakinah is sorry.”

 

This might be a long journey and lonely at first, but in shaa Allah, it will be okay.

 

I will be okay.

 

Allah sayang Sakinah.

Mungkin ketenangan dalam hidup ini dicapai dengan melepaskan.

Melepaskan dan merelakan.

Merelakan bila yang kau harapkan itu penghujungnya mengecewakan.

Melepaskan bila yang kau tatang itu tak lagi membuahkan bahagia dan kebaikan.

Bukan semua benda untuk kita.

Kalau memang bukan untuk kita,

lepaskan saja.

 The love I know is the love I learned from you. And it feels like anything that isn’t that feels very hard to sit with for me.

write write

 Dearest readers,

Perhaps it was Bridgerton that made me write as above (skskks) but haha lemme write today.

I have a training in 20 minutes, and some whole ass consulting report I need to translate with an ASAP deadline, but I figured I needed to slot in some time to write for a bit.

Some things recently made me reflect, a lot. Mixed feelings I feel on the inside but let me jump to the conclusion straight (Well after all, I had always written mainly for myself);

I can never turn back in time and change things that had happened. I cannot undo what had been done, or retrieve most of what have been lost. But I still have those I treasure in my life today; people around me whom I still have in my life, people whom still have me in their lives.. and they deserve my very best. I deserve my very best, as well.

It doesn't come naturally for me for a lot of things, like how some things that mattered more to others; sometimes I could not take extra notice or care of those things myself and if I were to dig deeper on the roots of such behaviors from my end, I always fear it will just push me into some self-pity pit or resentment towards how I was brought up, etc. So I don't want to do that.

Whatever I lack, I want to be able to learn those, and to change and be better, not just for myself but mostly just so that the ones I love, the ones I claim to love, feel loved in the way that they would. As I grow older, it feels like my time and energy is just getting more and more limited. I have lost a lot and there's no guarantee that I won't be losing more. But to grieve is something I cannot afford too much, either. Of all things and all people, other than my family, I guess I truly am grateful for the presence of X in my life. He's a lot like me, it feels, and it is as if having him for the most part of my life suffices almost everything; my friend, my best friend, and my place of love.

May I learn every single day to be better, and may I put in the efforts every single time to be the person I deserve from myself, and the person the people around me deserve from me. My best efforts.

———

Everytime I wanted to put it in words about how I truly feel about him, I wouldn’t seem to know the best way it would be.

I opened up my heart to someone who turned out to be my best fit; someone who’s a lot like me in many ways (if not in every way) if I were to exaggerate haha.

I used to fear my partner would grow tired of my company, but now I am with someone who loves having me around as much as I do him.

I used to be on the edge if I didn’t have many friends around me though my partner’s company for the major part of my life felt like almost all I would need in my life, but now I am with someone who loves having me around the most and yet still doesn’t forsake the relationships around him and never minds whether I have many friends or not, etc.

I used to feel like my partner wouldn’t like it if my messages would pop up in his phone, but today I am with someone who feels like his day is made on the very few days I decide to text him first in the morning.

It’s funny to think of how it took many convincings from my best friend for me to give this a proper shot like, “Keluar je la babe ya Allah keluar makan je pun???” // “Tengok ni, punya la elok, pandai, sesuai dgn ko, tapi ko plak tanak.” and a few months and dolak dalih from me last year with merepek2 excuses but today, my heart is most content that I met him, I gave him a chance, and I am here today with him.

I selalu rasa “Dia ni layan I baik sangat, sayang I, perangai sama dengan I.. why would I ever do anything to jeopardize what I have with him?”

Dengan izin Allah,

semoga inilah jodoh yang I selalu doakan.

In shaa Allah,

this is truly my prayers answered.

Semoga Allah dengar dan semoga Allah sentiasa menjaga.

-

 I turn 25 this year. 

And I remember a few years ago I wrote a post here saying that one day I’ll be 25 and one day you’ll be here and at that time, I won’t long for you anymore.

I don’t long for you anymore.

I don’t.

But whenever some stuff I still keep from you triggers me, it still aches.

It still aches that everything I had with you was lost.

You were the entirety of love in my universe;

a love that went to waste.

 Yall know how long I havent written,

but tonight Im here just to let it out for once.

My besties know how ridiculously rejecting I have been about potential guys but recently I met someone I truly liked but only to end up nowhere past the third date.

The search continues I guess, lol.