I swear I have been putting off writing for so long because of my busy schedule when it's all I need for the longest of time. So hello, I'm glad to be here again.

I'm so confused, you know. I don't know if I'm really sick or I am just being gentle and manja with myself like, I must not let myself get hurt or deal with things that I don't like even for the slightest bit. And oh gosh, if only one could see how my mind has all these questions and curiosities running through my mind non-stop, one would probably kesian me.

Or maybe only me would kesian me.

These days if I'm not busy, I'm tired. I get my night sleep every night (4-5 hours every night and never more even if I want more because that's just how my body works) but I haven't felt really at rest, or waking up feeling like I actually had a good rest.

And even as I am typing this, I'm like, "Am I really sick?"

This morning I cried and wailed like crazy calling Wazeef. Two mornings before today I did the same thing too, except less intense.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm like this merely because I'm ungrateful. Somehow I feel like that's the major case right here.

I feel like there are a lot of things I am not accepting at this moment.

I do not accept that I'm not like other people,
I do not accept the way my dad rules my family,
I do not accept that I'm this way,
and trust me, there is so much more to this.

And the fact that I am in refusal to accept the way things are in my life makes me one ungrateful brat.

And on another note, I feel like I'm this way, or the root to why I am this fucked up is merely because I am distant from Allah.

I can't wait to see a psychiatrist again when I'm back in the states because to have a not-quiet mind that you can actually FEEL it the whole time is tiring.

Where I emotionally am at the moment makes me want to not be engaged with anyone at all. Except for Wazeef.

And crying soothes me in some way, I wish I could do it all the fucking time if only it would not swell my eyes like hEcK the next day and hurt my chest and drain the energy out of me.

But going back to what I said "Except for Wazeef", most of the time I also find myself wanting to refrain from talking to him to let him enjoy meeting his friends and family and whatnots (i.e. have his break) but whenever I am back to the crying-and-wailing moment, I need him. And I hate that I do.

I pray to Allah to die when my iman is good, and no I don't intend to end my life or anything but I swear there are just too many times I really wish I could just do something to take a break.

To sleep in a way I really sleep,
to sleep in a way my mind really stops wondering and questioning,
to just have a break and finally waking up feeling I actually had the rest I have longed for.

Blergh, maybe I am just tired.