grew apart

Funny how in 2018 I grew apart from most people I treasured so much and I don’t know how I feel about it anymore at this point in my life. I am not sure if I couldn’t care less anymore about it because I may have been and am too busy these days that I don’t have the time to worry too much over those things, or maybe I just feel sufficient focusing on the people who want to keep me in their life at this point in my life. This was the year I struggled so much, in my 20^thyear of living, I went through so much and saying this just for a matter of fact, I feel like it was only one person that got me. Don’t get me wrong, I am not angry or anything at the people who couldn’t be there because I know and understand that we are all busy, we are all struggling so much to have the energy or time to do so much for someone else so don’t worry, I don’t blame anyone nor do I feel like anyone did me wrong just because they couldn’t be there. But to the person who will never get to read this, I am sorry that we grew apart and I take the blame. I am sorry that my rough times may have consumed me and I am suddenly reminded of all the things I kept behind and only looked at building better for goodness sake and our sake, and now I am suddenly so angry and cold about it. I am sorry that it must have been something else that put me in a bad condition and then suddenly I am reminded of all the things that actually scarred me and suddenly I am not so forgiving anymore. God knows I do not want this but every time I think of the times to mend it and put forth the efforts, I find myself turning away even from just the thought of it, because I am thatscarred and.. scared(?). I don’t know. I hope you know I am hurt. I’m sorry if this isn’t just, I am sorry. I am sorry that I remember my bad days more than I do the good ones, I’m sorry if it makes me a bad person, I’m so sorry. But maybe one day I’ll be back here and write about how time and God mend things I never thought could be mended.

Another separation may have yet made me realize anything cause I’m just ???? about it at this point in my life. I may say I was angry but maybe I was more disappointed that it turned to anger and the feeling of betrayal. Maybe the feeling of ??? is better than the anger I used to feel that it consumed me and only made it worse on top of the shit I was already dealing with lol. So now is good, now feels good. 

The truth is every single time I tried to make it clear just for myself here, I couldn’t. I wrote and I would only end up erasing so maybe that’s okay. Maybe all the feelings that were felt but never went out from our beings are never meant to be heard or known. Neither of us will know and for now until God wills it, it should suffice.