attacked, again

Why do I bother writing these words in the most perfect manner when the purpose of this place, since the first day of its creation was for me to say it, for me. And only for myself.

In came the feeling I thought has left me for good, rushed through me like a bullet train and as much as I wanted to do better at handling it, I couldn't. I began to shake and the more I realized how much I was shaking, the worse it got. Gosh, I still am trembling as I write this.

I cannot change what made me the way I am today, I cannot undo my past and make it all better for myself, and I cannot tell the world how hard I struggle and how I have never written something while crying this hard in my entire life, but what I definitely can do is to make lots and lots of prayers to Allah that someday this will all pass. 

I want to be able to look back at this post someday and tell myself that I have made it through, alone, on my own-- only with having lots of prayers I make to Allah to get by. Thank you for loving me, my dear friends but never would I want to inconvenient anyone with what I struggle. 

Make prayers for me when you read this, please? :( 

I love the efforts I make for myself these days but maybe I am just overwhelmed as I'm probably overdoing it, or rushing it at one time.

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Aaah dear self, take your time. You will get there.