my first reach out

Today I finally made my way to the doctor as I have been dealing with sleep problems again for the past two weeks now so I wanted something that could help me sleep for a good 12 hours tomorrow. Rasa penat sangat tapi tak boleh tidur sebab my mind tak boleh rest so mampu nangis je. I went to a typical private clinic so I only met with an MD (Medical Doctor) instead of a psychiatrist but ya Allah, I bersyukur sangat Allah temukan I dengan Dr. Aisya harini.

When I first talked to her and told her how I baru start kerja for a month and benda ni boleh affect my daily routines etc, etc, she thought it was because of my change of routines but as I began to open up that I have been struggling with anxiety since my uni days, she said "Sebenarnya I wanted to say anxiety tapi I didn't want to attack you terus macamtu." I bersyukur sangat that I was able to talk to her and kebetulan Allah takdirkan, doctor yang I spoke with adalah orang yang sudi memahami, bersimpati dan sudi mendengar (She's an MD, not a psychiatrist so she could have just cut it short as this was not a psychiatric clinic). She had patients outside waiting in line but she attended to me for almost an hour or so.

And kenapa I rasa sangat bersyukur to meet her particularly today adalah sebab she said things that I needed to hear aka God-related stuff. Because true, benda tu sangat-sangat helpful for me.

My days have been tough honestly, I am trying so hard just to get by. My blood pressure was low today and I was really desperate for a good, no-thinking sleep so my doctor prescribed me with Xanax.

Sebenarnya rasa tak adil kalau aku cakap my life has been hard sebab sebenarnya lagi banyak orang yang diduga lagi teruk sedangkan aku, Allah kasi banyak rezeki yang hebat;

and among rezeki itu adalah bila Allah temukan aku dengan orang-orang baik.
Orang yang mengingatkan aku tentang kebaikan dan yang menyedarkan aku tentang kuasa dan kasih sayang Tuhan.

My doctor said I should not go straight to relying on medications. Ubat tak akan selesaikan masalah, but rather, carilah orang yang you percaya, yang nak terima you seadanya and yang boleh sentiasa ingatkan you that you are always gonna be fine.

Because anxiety isn’t something you can just cure, what you can do is to learn to control/deal with it.

And I need to cut off EVERY single thing and people that could affect me.

When the doctor said that what would help is to have someone who can be on this journey with me (help me through it), it reminded me of how W was always that person for me. He knows my fears including what I deal with at home, or with Vandy people but now I gotta face the fact that I am all I’ve got now.

It may be tough time for me now but I know I got this under control.

I don’t want to live with my anxiety or let it stand in my way in moving forward in life so if I want it healed (under control), the effort is on me. The cure is with me.