long-overdue ramble about my career path

I really feel like it has been so long since the last time I wrote and so many times in that long time I wanted to pen down my thoughts and feels but I never had the time to.

I truly didn't have the time to.

The past few months which had felt like a long long time for me had been so tough that so many times I just wanted to attend to myself and myself only, but truly I was always so mentally and physically exhausted and was always rushing through things.

I hated myself in that period.

I am writing this in my hotel bedroom in Kota Kinabalu as it's the Deepavali break and I was just stationed to be in Labuan for a bit since last Wednesday.

For quite some time already now, so many times I just wanted to quit. So many times I just wanted to leave so abruptly as I am kinda certain that this life isn't for me.

No matter how many times I could be hearing how lucky I am to be given the opportunity to work with this giant company, I still cannot deny the fact that my heart isn't here.

Would it be wrong to leave this opportunity many so damn wanting only for the reason.. "This is not what I like."?

When I was done with my undergraduate studies in engineering, I remember so vividly how I was certain that I no longer want to live myself doing what I am not passionate about.

But just as much as my own words keep playing in my head, I also have another 'voice' in me telling me, or questioning.. "Or are you just being ungrateful?"

But what I (used) to know for sure when I graduated was that.. engineering isn't for me. It isn't what I want to pursue, and I think I had enough of it that it really made me say "I DON'T want to be an engineer, anymore." at least a year before I was to graduate.

I have been having it quite tough recently, actually, that I really couldn't attend to myself and what more anyone else but I think the thing about me is that once I do get the rest I need, I am 100/100 to get on my feet again.

Back to my own question that has been circling in my head non-stop for the past few weeks,

if being here has so, so, sO many times makes me question if I really want to be here..

I don't think I should go on with this.

I really don't think I want to go on with this.

Lucky I am to be one of those people who get to say or want to do what they like to do, and I do admit to that privilege. And just because I do want to make use of that privilege, why should I feel bad as I am given the chance for that?

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This post is my ramble, I am saying hello from KK to all of you now.


xx