Since near last semester, I have been waken up by me actually crying in my sleep in person instead of just in the dreams I was having and to be honest, they had always been about the same people and it makes me wonder if I am actually made of bad memories. It makes me wonder if I am actually scarred and traumatized. During my recent fight with W, he was raising his voice at me in the same way someone did to me in my past and before I realized it, I broke down and with a breaking voice I said the same thing I did in the past.
These days I prefer my alone time a lot more. I have moved into Towers for the Summer where I have decorated my room so that it feels so home-y to me and I very much love being away from all the girls.
These days I don't feel like I am doing anything right. I feel lost and confused and despite knowing that I better get on my sajada and seek help in my prayers, I really either feel numb or blank or "mehh, I don't know."
I was about to say I am losing friends and people in my life when I am probably just losing myself and the people I was so close to. And also the fact that towards the end of last semester, I began to distance myself and automatically created a barrier with my housemates, and Afi's housemates memang I dah jarak with pun, especially after the MSAV event. And although at first I thought a lot about all of it, I now feel like I am just letting it all go because I am probably the problematic, non-understanding one between me and everyone else so if you wanna go, ciao all.
I am sorry that I couldn't do better at understanding your situation more than mine because I, myself, am currently fucked up and lost and in no ways I intend to say that you have it easier than me just because you seem to not be on your own more than me, and of course it doesn't lighten your burden even by an ounce but meh, I don't know.
I'm pretty sure my fucked up condition will take a toll on my life sooner or later but for now, screw it all.
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