*the* confused phase

It's been so long since the last time I wrote I was probably kept happy or occupied, or maybe both.

I guess it's true that random quote I bumped into last time, the one that says all sad people write.
Because here I find myself again,
when most of the important things in my life don't feel right.

In the last semester, God knows how many breakdowns I have had and despite knowing by heart that there are still a whole lot that love me, I swear I felt like only Wazeef that had my back during my tough times. Allah saw how many times he had to be stronger than he can opt to be or actually is just for my well-being, and despite that it guilt-trips me the whole time, I am so thankful for his presence in my life.

I have changed.

More often than not these days I have been finding myself wanting to isolate from others,
because I wanted to cry and wail all I want without being heard and being in a house that have roommates certainly did not help at all but at least now I'm having a room all to myself for the next 3 months. Definitely happy about it.

I don't hate my housemates, you know. Or anyone here in Malaysian Vanderbilt Community. It's just that I think me and them are maybe beyond repair and I don't even care about it anymore. But sometimes I feel like that (the idc part) isn't completely true either. Because if that truly was the case, why do I still feel bothered to have them around while feeling out of place.

These days I don't find myself longing for the comfort from my mother's words anymore like I used to. I feel distant and I don't blame her because how could I? I am truly at the confused phase in my life where I don't know a certain feeling is right or wrong, where I don't know if what I feel is right or I am the one to be blamed for the matter actually. I don't despise my father; the one who raised me up this far with everything that he could. I am certain he has given me his very best along with his other children so how could I be mad at him for the things that contradict with what I believe in? But truthfully, deep down I know I am. I don't talk to my mum as much anymore because I have a feeling/mindset that she's gonna share it with my dad and my dad won't understand me. Fuck responsibilities, you know. Fuck the fact that I do not know much about life being only a 20-year-old but fuck having to take life too fucking seriously because all I want to grow up with and have my children to grow up with is nothing but love and Islam. I know if I have a straight talk with my mother, she will understand but I am too tired and merajuk hati with everything at the moment that I do not want to move an inch for anyone I love in my life anymore. I need that stop, you know.

Not only with my mother, but I also feel distant with my most-best-friend from high school. I swear I still remember all the birthday wishes I wrote to her, saying that I pray to God our friendship last but I can't believe that I feel this way at the moment. I feel like I have always been the one to call first and etc. and it's probably the fact that I was really having tough times and that even she could not be there makes me merajuk hati dengan semua orang. I really am at the fuck-everything-my-life-is-a-mess point in my life that I do not want to fix anything with anyone at the moment. But of course I don't blame her for this because how could I be so selfish to be mad that my best friend did not check on me and wasn't there for me during my shittiest time despite feeling like she probably knew since she has me on notifications but she is probably still having tough times to be okay with herself so how could I ever be so selfish to be offended that she wasn’t there for me? But I know deep down I am. Because my messed-up-can’t-think-straight self believes she still has time to talk to her boyfriend so that’s probably what adds up to my merajuk hati part, idk.

I hate where I am (I don't mean geographically) at this point in my life. I feel like I am losing everyone I wish to keep close in my life except for Wazeef (I only get to keep him for another year most probably :/) and I hate what I battle with on the inside everyday, too. It's making me hate myself and so harsh on myself so so much that if suicide wasn't haram and the other world was only heaven instead of heaven-or-hell, I would probably be overdosed on some pills just to take a long numb break.

The positive side of me on another note is telling me that maybe all this is meant to teach me, to help me grow but most importantly; to bring me back on my sajada to pray to Allah. Because somehow deep down.. it's telling me that the root of all this is the fact that I am distant from Allah. I pray but do I really pray to Him?

Or maybe my life is just alright and I am the one who’s exaggerating, I don’t even know.

Confused, I pray that Allah leads me through just fine.