At the end of the day, the one that fights this battle is me. People telling me how I have to change or to better myself for my own sake is true, but the one that struggles to do that is still me. It’s not big of a deal to pray everyday to be granted enough strength and semangat just to go through the next day, of course. I mean, chill the fuck up, Sakinah. Take a deep breath, you got this. My parents dislike the person I have become but little did they know that a major part of I am who I am today is from the examples that have been going on in the house. I dont blame my current position on how any human being in my life has treated me. I take it just as a wrong time — I am like this just because it is the time I am meant to be like this. I just want to be in a position where I am happy and contented AND LOVED but maybe all that comes majorly from being grateful and having patience. And I have yet to reach that state. How is it so many times in my silence where I am actually hurting and struggling on my own, deep down I am having expectations that someone could hear my pain beneath that utter silence? How is it that behind my screams of laughters, deep down I am hoping that the emptiness of my soul reach someone? And yet when asked, I dont know how to express it in words. I can’t translate it. All I want is to not be scared of my own demons. Who the fuck are you, zeef, to carry my emotional burden? I AM an emotional burden, incapable, and if I was an artist, I could draw exactly how I feel; like a person in a jurang of sadness, wanting to be saved by someone else, but I can’t be saved by other people. I hate all my “I wanna call” to goddamn anyone, that the reason I’m actually speaking to someone else is because I’m having my episode again. I want to be wanted and needed, but they aren’t doing that cause I am incapable. I could write a paragraph even longer than this and what you’re getting is still a mere 20% of it. Because I can’t translate it. I can’t translate it. I appreciate all that you’ve done for me but I don’t want you around just cause I’m sick and I can’t help it when I’m sick. This whole thing is really pushing me to push out anyone because I really hate what I am like and the fear of other people hating it too eats me up alive. I can’t do this.