2018 last post

It’s 3.49 AM and I’m in bed, in Rome, on the last day of 2018. I want to wrap up my 2018 in this post. Selama ni when people describe their year as a rollercoaster ride, I ada la rasa cam maybe they were just exaggerating a lil bit, tryna put in some pretty words for a bit. But this year has truly been like what feels like a rollercoaster ride. Happiest in my entire life: my 21st birthday. Second happiest in this year: Eve of Maal Hijrah, throughout my Florida trip (Wazeef and Nana ❤️) Lowest point: I had terrible, terrible mental breakdowns. This post is not gonna be in order so I’m just gonna write down whatever pops up first in my head. 

I am happy that I met Nana a lot this year, I’m happy that we all can go on a trip together; Wazeef, Nana and Danish. This year I banyak kali sangat sangat breakdown, and I tak boleh cerita kat sesiapa pun tapi nasib baik Allah baik sebab let Wazeef to be so much kinder to me and teman me through it all. I punya sakit tu sampai tahap my chest akan physically sakit, susah bernafas bila I tak okay, nervous kadang sampai rasa nak pengsan, pernah ada phase sampai rasa nak gila pun ada, and to finally be here, alhamdulillah sangat2. Alhamdulillah ya Allah sebab amik balik semua rasa scary tu, I tanak go through it all again. It feels so so good to be able to be in control again, to be in control of myself when things don’t go my way and I get anxious or sad or frustrated. Tapi sebabkan I sendiri tak okay and in the process of my growth, I distanced myself from the very few people that I kept close. For different reasons. To this date I still think of it sometimes, but I tak rasa I should have done things any other way. Through a separation I learned to stand strong with what I choose, what I believe in. Through a separation, I chose myself and what I believe in. I sayang L, I tak pernah ada kawan serapat L selain Wazeef, but sometimes life just doesn’t go your way and surprises the fuck out of you. It’s so disappointing and I still deal with it with my own self to date, but I guess that’s just life. You will just have to get on with it. 

I am in Rome at the moment, at the age of 21, and that truly humbles me as I think of all the blessings and rezeki Allah has blessed me with. It’s interesting that Wazeef’s presence in my life at the moment gives me this feeling of cukup in terms of company, I tak terlalu attached to him emotionally, and because of his presence, I tak rasa I need anyone else in Vanderbilt. Kalau ada rasa kurang dan tak kena in my life, it would be this emptiness I feel yang I rasa, Allah dah bagi semua cukup tapi I punya rasa kurang ni is to be grateful to Him. To be close to Allah and say lots and lots of thanks and seek His protection cause I am a huge scaredy-cat and I can’t always have Wazeef to teman me through everything. And I don’t expect or want that from Wazeef pun. 

To wrap up this post, I just want to say ya Allah, thank you for everything. I truly can’t imagine what 2019 is gonna be like, who’s gonna be my side or leave, but I truly pray that I get stronger emotionally and spiritually. Thank You, ya Allah, for letting me feel it all this year; I paling teruk, paling sakit, paling struggle, tapi paling happy also in the same year. Semoga aku terus menjadi orang yang bersyukur, dan lebih memikirkan orang lain. Terima kasih ya Allah, untuk friends yang dari jauh, walaupun jarang berbicara, I yakin yang they think of me and send prayers my way; Nadzmi, Zarina, Faiqah, just to name a few. 

Thank you, ya Allah.