anxiety

I really don't want to sound like a person of excuses, and it's not like anyone's gonna come here and get me for saying this here so here I go..

my anxiety dOES stand in my way in (almost) everything.

Back days when I went to interviews, if I were asked to talk about a weakness, I would be more than happy to discuss and put it in my nice own words how I suck at multitasking and how that is still something great nonetheless. But now whenever it hits me like a trUCK how my anxiety reaaaaaally does stand in my way in life, I always feel like I don't want to work with anyone out there and be my own boss and have my own thing cause I just don't want this to be in my way in life that involves other people in it.

Contoh kan, kalau I lambat nak gi class ke like, if my class starts at 9.35 AM and at a fast-panting-speed I could make it there in 10 mins, which means I would have to leave at 9.25 AM, kata la I terleave lambat sikit, fuhh rasa nak jatuh jantung sambil jalan laju risau gila nak mampus. Dah la dengan tercungap-cungap nya, tambah pulak rasa nak terbalik segala dalaman, masya Allah, nauzubillah sis.

Or if I am in a rush and my phone pings with a message from someone close enough to me to bug me with "Reply I plssss" and I dengan nak reply orangnya lagi, nak jalan rushing lagi, fuhhh boleh nak pengsan rasa anxious. Padahal tak mati pun kalau cakap kat orang tu, "I'm in a rush, sorry." afterwards when you've settled down.

I can't be under pressure and this sucks so badly u_u

 I just want to write it out here cause I can't tweet it or like, just pendam. Tweet == too public, pendam == not healthy for me.

I really wish this would go away someday. Like reaaally go away gone for good kind of go away :(

I am a girl with big dreams, wanting to go places and do so so much and if I can't control my own anxiety, I definitely can't get away with "pls understand, i have terrible anxiety."

That's too cliche and I don't like the word depression or anxiety coming out from me in the presence of other people.