my first reach out

Today I finally made my way to the doctor as I have been dealing with sleep problems again for the past two weeks now so I wanted something that could help me sleep for a good 12 hours tomorrow. Rasa penat sangat tapi tak boleh tidur sebab my mind tak boleh rest so mampu nangis je. I went to a typical private clinic so I only met with an MD (Medical Doctor) instead of a psychiatrist but ya Allah, I bersyukur sangat Allah temukan I dengan Dr. Aisya harini.

When I first talked to her and told her how I baru start kerja for a month and benda ni boleh affect my daily routines etc, etc, she thought it was because of my change of routines but as I began to open up that I have been struggling with anxiety since my uni days, she said "Sebenarnya I wanted to say anxiety tapi I didn't want to attack you terus macamtu." I bersyukur sangat that I was able to talk to her and kebetulan Allah takdirkan, doctor yang I spoke with adalah orang yang sudi memahami, bersimpati dan sudi mendengar (She's an MD, not a psychiatrist so she could have just cut it short as this was not a psychiatric clinic). She had patients outside waiting in line but she attended to me for almost an hour or so.

And kenapa I rasa sangat bersyukur to meet her particularly today adalah sebab she said things that I needed to hear aka God-related stuff. Because true, benda tu sangat-sangat helpful for me.

My days have been tough honestly, I am trying so hard just to get by. My blood pressure was low today and I was really desperate for a good, no-thinking sleep so my doctor prescribed me with Xanax.

Sebenarnya rasa tak adil kalau aku cakap my life has been hard sebab sebenarnya lagi banyak orang yang diduga lagi teruk sedangkan aku, Allah kasi banyak rezeki yang hebat;

and among rezeki itu adalah bila Allah temukan aku dengan orang-orang baik.
Orang yang mengingatkan aku tentang kebaikan dan yang menyedarkan aku tentang kuasa dan kasih sayang Tuhan.

My doctor said I should not go straight to relying on medications. Ubat tak akan selesaikan masalah, but rather, carilah orang yang you percaya, yang nak terima you seadanya and yang boleh sentiasa ingatkan you that you are always gonna be fine.

Because anxiety isn’t something you can just cure, what you can do is to learn to control/deal with it.

And I need to cut off EVERY single thing and people that could affect me.

When the doctor said that what would help is to have someone who can be on this journey with me (help me through it), it reminded me of how W was always that person for me. He knows my fears including what I deal with at home, or with Vandy people but now I gotta face the fact that I am all I’ve got now.

It may be tough time for me now but I know I got this under control.

I don’t want to live with my anxiety or let it stand in my way in moving forward in life so if I want it healed (under control), the effort is on me. The cure is with me.

attacked, again

Why do I bother writing these words in the most perfect manner when the purpose of this place, since the first day of its creation was for me to say it, for me. And only for myself.

In came the feeling I thought has left me for good, rushed through me like a bullet train and as much as I wanted to do better at handling it, I couldn't. I began to shake and the more I realized how much I was shaking, the worse it got. Gosh, I still am trembling as I write this.

I cannot change what made me the way I am today, I cannot undo my past and make it all better for myself, and I cannot tell the world how hard I struggle and how I have never written something while crying this hard in my entire life, but what I definitely can do is to make lots and lots of prayers to Allah that someday this will all pass. 

I want to be able to look back at this post someday and tell myself that I have made it through, alone, on my own-- only with having lots of prayers I make to Allah to get by. Thank you for loving me, my dear friends but never would I want to inconvenient anyone with what I struggle. 

Make prayers for me when you read this, please? :( 

I love the efforts I make for myself these days but maybe I am just overwhelmed as I'm probably overdoing it, or rushing it at one time.

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Aaah dear self, take your time. You will get there.

Sampai penghujungnya,

bila aku menangis aku tanggung sendiri.

Mungkin kalau takdir Allah izinkan (nauzubillah) aku mati bunuh diri baru orang sedar yang dalam aku tanggung sendiri, aku rasa bagai nak mati.

Dan mungkin sampai penghujungnya salahnya tetap pada aku;

sebab tak pernah kongsi.

Padahal segar diminda aku bisik semua yang pernah kata aku tak boleh kongsi sebab mereka sendiri punya masalah.

Babi sial semua.

I swear I have been putting off writing for so long because of my busy schedule when it's all I need for the longest of time. So hello, I'm glad to be here again.

I'm so confused, you know. I don't know if I'm really sick or I am just being gentle and manja with myself like, I must not let myself get hurt or deal with things that I don't like even for the slightest bit. And oh gosh, if only one could see how my mind has all these questions and curiosities running through my mind non-stop, one would probably kesian me.

Or maybe only me would kesian me.

These days if I'm not busy, I'm tired. I get my night sleep every night (4-5 hours every night and never more even if I want more because that's just how my body works) but I haven't felt really at rest, or waking up feeling like I actually had a good rest.

And even as I am typing this, I'm like, "Am I really sick?"

This morning I cried and wailed like crazy calling Wazeef. Two mornings before today I did the same thing too, except less intense.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm like this merely because I'm ungrateful. Somehow I feel like that's the major case right here.

I feel like there are a lot of things I am not accepting at this moment.

I do not accept that I'm not like other people,
I do not accept the way my dad rules my family,
I do not accept that I'm this way,
and trust me, there is so much more to this.

And the fact that I am in refusal to accept the way things are in my life makes me one ungrateful brat.

And on another note, I feel like I'm this way, or the root to why I am this fucked up is merely because I am distant from Allah.

I can't wait to see a psychiatrist again when I'm back in the states because to have a not-quiet mind that you can actually FEEL it the whole time is tiring.

Where I emotionally am at the moment makes me want to not be engaged with anyone at all. Except for Wazeef.

And crying soothes me in some way, I wish I could do it all the fucking time if only it would not swell my eyes like hEcK the next day and hurt my chest and drain the energy out of me.

But going back to what I said "Except for Wazeef", most of the time I also find myself wanting to refrain from talking to him to let him enjoy meeting his friends and family and whatnots (i.e. have his break) but whenever I am back to the crying-and-wailing moment, I need him. And I hate that I do.

I pray to Allah to die when my iman is good, and no I don't intend to end my life or anything but I swear there are just too many times I really wish I could just do something to take a break.

To sleep in a way I really sleep,
to sleep in a way my mind really stops wondering and questioning,
to just have a break and finally waking up feeling I actually had the rest I have longed for.

Blergh, maybe I am just tired.