The day I just want to curl up in bed

Happy. When was the last time I was truly happy being where I am, doing what I do, for a long period of time? Life gets harder and I am a big girl now. Big enough to handle things on my own. Deep down, I know how strong I am as a person. I sebenarnya boleh, walaupun dengan nangis-nangis in the process. I know I am not one who's negative, one who dwells on mistakes more than fixing it. I screwed up my Creo midterm so damn bad today and I am sick of crying every time things get bad. Nangis je kerja, fikir boleh solve masalah ke? I am not one to question takdir Allah untuk aku, bahkan today while my heart was burdened with sadness, I came across words, relatable to my current situation; as if my Lord, not anyone else but my Lord, trying to convince me that I am gonna be okay. Ya Allah, aku masih punya iman dalam hati. How could I question Allah's decree upon me? Ya Allah, I feel like this is a punishment for me but ya Allah, you have the word "Maha" before Your name. Maha Pengasih. Maha; that's huge. That is not just a normal something. That's an extraordinary kind of something. I can't expect anybody to save me, siapa aku untuk mengharap dari manusia? I hope one day I will look back and realize that I wouldn't become a great person without the bitter experiences in my life, such as this one. Engineering bukan bidang aku; I say that a lot of time but to be honest, sometimes some little things hit me and make me realize that I had been destined for this all along. All along. My parents don't deserve my failure, I betul betul tanak kena buang dari Vanderbilt. But impian aku bukan kat sini, ya Allah. And I, betul betul nak jadi happy. Bahagia; bukan rasa kosong.

Tell me I can. Tell me I can, even if you have to say it to me every second of the day; tell me I can. Don't let me slip away; I can't do this on my own. Grab my hand and let me hold on to you. Push me, tell me I can. Whoever, whenever :(

Studying Abroad

I was never the one who wanted to study abroad so badly. It’s not that I never wanted it at all, it was just never one of my ultimate life goals. But now I’ve changed my mind.

I wanna work hard to get all As in SPM because that is the least I could do to repay everything my parents have given me. I want it because I want my sacrifice to be paid off. I have went through a lot in TGB. I let go of the 2 golden years of high school that should have been spent with people I enjoy being with, all for the sake of a better future and chances that I believe TGB can offer me. But despite all that, I am truly grateful for everything that has happened because I’ve learned a lot. All As will be my ticket to pursue my studies in a good university/college. And if God wills, I’ll get to study abroad after that. 

If God believes that I’m capable to study abroad, He will make it happen. I want it because I wanna learn what and how the students in more developing countries study so that when I come back, I can apply what I’ve learned. I want to prove to people and myself that Malays CAN be as good or maybe even better than other races. I wanna prove that not all Malays and Muslims are as lazy and ‘mundur’ as people think they are. But most importantly, studying abroad is my best chance to start anew, I believe. There are people I don’t wanna think of too much and memories I can barely contain for much longer. I wanna leave it all behind.

I wanna run away.

June 5, 2014

Why I should study

These past few days i’ve been trying to look for the reasons why I should study hard and get good grades- i mean why does it all matter cause I thought God didnt want us to get carried away with wealth and everything duniawi cause this place is temporary but at the same time He has asked us to memakmurkan bumi, I was so confused. My exam has started today but I still have soo much to cover so i’m freaking out e_e

So I asked my dad a few days ago why it’s crucial for me to get good grades and excel in academics. My dad who lived a hard life when he was young said maybe someday I’ll understand how hard it is to cari duit with no kelulusan and education. He also mentioned that nowadays women, even if they’re pretty, if they dont work to help their husbands to provide for their families susah nak laku jugak.

A friend of mine, on the other hand said that she wants to study abroad so badly so that she’ll be friends with people who are excellent and have a bright future so her friends are gonna be of those great people, and what matters most is that she’ll probably get married to a great man of that kelompok of great people (well, since most students who get to study abroad are excellent people.) What my dad and my friend said hit me a bit but it wasnt enough, tho. Then today, I listened to an islamic speech about marriage and Rasulullah SAW said that a man should marry a woman for these 4 criterias; which are for her wealth, her beauty, her lineage but most importantly, it is for her deen.

You see, the prophet SAW did mention about wealth as well as looks so, those aspects of dunya do matter. He would’ve asked men to marry women solely for their deen if it’s all that matters, kan? (So silly of me that for a moment I thought we should never pandang this dunya AT ALL.)

So I came up with a conclusion that if I dont study hard and grab the chances that are given to me right now, how will my life be when I grow up? People wouldnt wanna hire you if you’re not educated, right? Life is getting even more challenging, that’s the reality of the world we’re living in. So study hard because people respect those with knowledge. Kalau Muslims kejar akhirat semata mata, maka mundurlah umat Islam di mata dunia. Orang bodoh dipandang rendah. Duduk kat bawah je setiap masa, jadi kuli orang lain. Nak ke macam tu? #notetoself

May 10, 2014