stick to your core

for the longest of time, i tried to shape myself into becoming some kind of woman I want to be, and sometimes i get so confused with everything and will find myself wanting to hide from the world. 

i do so much of that to my own self when all along, all i should have done was to just.. 

stick to my core.

Who am I regardless of everything that comes and goes from my life?

Who am I at the bottom of it all?

What is my heart truly like, and what does it believe in?

These should have been the questions i should have stuck to all along but instead, i let myself get swayed by every "inspiration" that i saw, which is not entirely bad but in doing so, i forsook the most important thing i should have stuck to; my own core.

and one thing i know for sure is this;

for long as i choose to believe in God in every step that i take, believing with utter faith that Allah will take care of me, especially when I can't do that for myself, I am set for life.

sometimes we aren’t able to take care of ourselves as we should,

so God does it for us;

sebab Tuhan sayang :)

Doa

Ucaplah dalam doa,

mana mungkin Tuhanmu tidak mendengar.

Rasa kalau disimpan dalam hati,

hati manusia berbolak-balik.

Maka simpanlah di dalam doa,

kerna selamanya pasti tercatat dilangit.

Apa guna mahukan pengadilan manusia,

bukankah yang Maha Kuasa itu hanya Allah swt?

“سُبُلَنَا”

— Jalan Allah.

Mana mungkin jalan Allah itu pernah salah.

aku bukan mental

Semakin umur aku meningkat, semakin aku sedar dan lebih terdedah kepada how life is really not something that is meant to be smooth sailing and indah semata-mata. Sometimes dan selalu, it's pushing me to the point of letting go and just do ikut sesuka hati. To be more specific, hidup tanpa pegangan. Sebab aku makin lama merasakan yang hidup kat dunia ni macam somehow memang not meant to be cantik. Apa yang masih memegang aku adalah harapan dan nasihat aku pada diri sendiri: "Tuhan tak kejam, Sakinah." Haritu I baca on twitter, ada orang kata sesetengah orang tu mental, soal bipolar dengan agama. Sesetangah orang ada masalah mental yang macam dia jadi taksub dengan agama sebab agama menjanjikan kebahagiaan yang diinginkan. Ever since that, aku persoalkan balik diri sendiri.

Tak, aku bukan mental. Aku percaya Tuhan itu ada. Kekuasaan dia ada. Dan jugak aku tahu dan kenal sangat diri sendiri to say that I do not deserve to talk much about Islam dan spiritual ni. Jujur, aku sendiri jauh dari Tuhan. I have always written for myself, so post ni untuk aku jugak.

Tuhan itu ada. Aku bukan mental.

Bukan aku taksub dengan kebahagiaan yang dijanjikan agama, aku hanya masih memilih untuk percaya. Kenapa Tuhan sebut banyak kali soal ampunan dan taubat dalam Al-Quran kalau orang yang berdosa itu memang teruk?

Tak, orang berdosa tak teruk kalau dia bertaubat.

And again, aku bukan mental. Bukan aku taksub dengan agama.

Salah ke hidup masih mahu berpegang dengan Islam? Hidup masih mahu berharap pada Tuhan?

Salah ke mahu mengharap bahagia? Bukan gembira, tapi bahagia.

Contented.

‪I have come to learn that a love worth treasuring is not one that makes you feel the most. We are humans, we are meant to have emotions. A love worth fighting for is one that brings out the best in you, with a person who accepts your flaws and wants to grow with you, so if the love you long for is rather a tragedy than it is a beautiful story, let go. By God, let go. It is not healthy for you. Love isn't meant to hurt, even though there isn't any love that doesn't come with pain. The love you deserve, the one you need, it should be a strength and it should remind you of happiness more than it does of the opposite.‬

lepaskan

Sometimes in life, things just don't go the way you want them to and it's not because somebody did wrong or anything, that's just how life is. Sometimes in life, no matter how much we try to keep somebody or something in our life, a time will come where they have to leave, as if the time God has allocated for the both of you is used up; they have reached their endpoint in your life. It doesn't matter whether you both are ready or not to be apart, when God says your time is up, your time is up. But put your worries to sleep, be at ease, wahai hati. Because in the end, it won't matter. Sometimes we get too caught up in the things we want or have that we have to let go of, sampai kita lupa, in the end, it won't necessarily matter. Sebab tujuan utama penghidupan manusia adalah to worship Allah swt, bukan benda benda yang tak penting kita terlalu busy ourselves with tu. Bukannya Tuhan kata dunia ni tak penting, bukannya Tuhan kata manusia tak boleh berbahagia di dunia, tapi Tuhan kata percaya pada Dia. Tuhan kata minta pada Dia. Tuhan kata bertawakkal pada Dia. Tuhan kata bersyukur pada Dia. Jadi, wahai hati yang masih reluctant untuk melepaskan, lepaskanlah. Lepaskanlah, serah pada Tuhan. If there is good in it being with you, by God, Allah will let you have it. If it's meant for you, lepaskanlah dengan hati yang benar benar ikhlas, ke mana pun kau beredar, Tuhan akan satukan. Tapi kalau ia kekal terus hilang dari hidupmu, percayalah itu yang terbaik. Dan ikhlaskanlah. Why would you ever want something if it's not meant for you, even for a brief moment? :)

The thing about me is that when I am determined about something, I give my all to it and sometimes I get so impatient about it to the extent where it kills me on the inside. It kills me to wait till the sweetness of the fruit prevail. To say it in general, I believe most if not all of us have the desire to be successful and more often than not, we define success as being rich and wealthy. We can be saying to ourselves right now while we still aren't where we want to be how just want to be someone who has a lil' bit more than having just enough. Y'know, where we don't have to worry too much to spend on the things we want and spending on our family, but I believe that as we get richer, we want even more. We will keep wanting for more, which is why I think, people with power and wealth, who are already rich and whatnot, (some of them) still get involved in bribery and all the dirty stuff.

So I begin to learn that
the more we love something of this dunya,
the more we want to keep something,
the more we have to let it go.
Just let them all go.

Let it go so that your heart won't be attached to something that doesn't last,
let it go so it won't drive you crazy,
let it go so you won't lose to your emotions,
let it go for you are not a slave of something other than Allah swt.

Plans

Sometimes when we want something so badly, we do everything we can to make it happen. We make great plans as if we’re so powerful and it’s all in our hands. Growing up, I realize that we’re utterly powerless over such thing. We can put in efforts and make incredible plans that we think will work but after all, we’re only humans. The power to make things happen lies in the hand of none but Allah s.w.t. To keep myself from disappointments, I struggle to forbid myself from wanting something so much. I try not to have high expectations anymore. I even start to neglect how I feel nowadays to avoid overthinking. I don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing by doing so. I am not even certain if pretending to be okay with everything, especially things that really faze me, is the best thing to do. Is it really ok to tell yourself not to feel when God has created you with feelings? I don’t even know.

In Allah, I put my trust. In His plans, I believe. And Allah is the Best of Planners.

June 6, 2014

It’s hard when things don’t go your way.

Everyone wants their wish fulfilled.

All I can say is everyone has their ups and downs.

Everyone goes through shit once in awhile.

But behind every event that occurs in our lives,

I believe there must be a reason why God makes it happen.

Nothing is indelible,

someday your agony will fade away.

Keep focused on what’s important.

God loves you.

He has greater plans for you.

1

One day it all won’t matter anymore, they say. Things will be good, they say. Enough. I just want to escape from all this madness. I’m getting tired with this never-ending and uncertain quest. I just want things to be good. So hasty of me to want things to fall into place right at this instant but actually, I’m just done getting fazed by the same thing over again. It’s a repeated cycle. Torturous. Tiring. When will it finally come to end?

June 5, 2014

Girls

There are two kinds of girls in this world:

1) those who get the best treatment by the guys they love but give shit in return

2) those who are willing to go above and beyond for people who won’t even move an inch for them.

It’s always like that; ungrateful girls get the most wonderful guys in the world while girls who are willing to do more and give more, get treated less than they deserve. Maybe their time hasn’t come yet, I dont know but I just wish that everyone knew how to appreciate each other. Wouldnt life be happier and easier that way? Sigh.

P.S. I, myself, don’t even know which group I belong to.

June 3, 2014

At this age

I dont know about other people but to me, being in a relationship at this age seems shallow and is a waste of time; unless both individuals (especially the guy) study real hard and try to improve themselves in every possible way so that they’d have a good future together. But feelings can be something beyond control, sometimes. Love makes people do things they thought they would never do in their right minds. It’s hard to let go of the things you love and people you’re attached to. But hey, you gotta do what’s right. They say follow what your heart says but sometimes, what your rational mind says is what you have to follow. People who get carried away by emotions easily wont go far in this challenging life- it’s something I need to constantly remind myself.

May 19. 2014

Why I should study

These past few days i’ve been trying to look for the reasons why I should study hard and get good grades- i mean why does it all matter cause I thought God didnt want us to get carried away with wealth and everything duniawi cause this place is temporary but at the same time He has asked us to memakmurkan bumi, I was so confused. My exam has started today but I still have soo much to cover so i’m freaking out e_e

So I asked my dad a few days ago why it’s crucial for me to get good grades and excel in academics. My dad who lived a hard life when he was young said maybe someday I’ll understand how hard it is to cari duit with no kelulusan and education. He also mentioned that nowadays women, even if they’re pretty, if they dont work to help their husbands to provide for their families susah nak laku jugak.

A friend of mine, on the other hand said that she wants to study abroad so badly so that she’ll be friends with people who are excellent and have a bright future so her friends are gonna be of those great people, and what matters most is that she’ll probably get married to a great man of that kelompok of great people (well, since most students who get to study abroad are excellent people.) What my dad and my friend said hit me a bit but it wasnt enough, tho. Then today, I listened to an islamic speech about marriage and Rasulullah SAW said that a man should marry a woman for these 4 criterias; which are for her wealth, her beauty, her lineage but most importantly, it is for her deen.

You see, the prophet SAW did mention about wealth as well as looks so, those aspects of dunya do matter. He would’ve asked men to marry women solely for their deen if it’s all that matters, kan? (So silly of me that for a moment I thought we should never pandang this dunya AT ALL.)

So I came up with a conclusion that if I dont study hard and grab the chances that are given to me right now, how will my life be when I grow up? People wouldnt wanna hire you if you’re not educated, right? Life is getting even more challenging, that’s the reality of the world we’re living in. So study hard because people respect those with knowledge. Kalau Muslims kejar akhirat semata mata, maka mundurlah umat Islam di mata dunia. Orang bodoh dipandang rendah. Duduk kat bawah je setiap masa, jadi kuli orang lain. Nak ke macam tu? #notetoself

May 10, 2014

How The World Works

It terrifies me, it sends chills up my spine when I think of how this world works and the people who inhabit it. Whether I like it or not, I’m one of them.

Its so scary and sad how people turn their backs on those who trusted them, how people have to leave those they love, how people let each other down, how people are forced to do bad things when they’re too desperate, how people kill the innocent and weaker ones mercilessly; its a catastrophic world! It seems like you can’t trust anyone in this world. You think you know someone well enough, you think they’re good and kind but gradually, they turn out to be the kind of person you never thought they’d be. If you see it from the surface, the world is a dangerous place; full of evil things and evil people. There are good people but the bad ones overshadow them.

But, if Allah created this place the way we want Him to- painless, evil-less, harmless, then what’s left for Jannah? If everybody gets what they want in this world, will they still be excited to do good deeds, in hopes for a better life in the Hereafter? People will get carried away; will they still remember Him when they have all their wishes granted?

After all, this world we’re living in is not the place where Allah wants us to stay forever. Nothing in this dunya is meant to last, no matter how much we want them to.

I just wish I could always remember that.

April 30, 2014