--

What is for sure is that I have been in this position many, many times before; of how I was left waiting and my patience was tested as I saw the people around me having the things I actually long for deep inside in my heart... and yet Allah swt, yang tak pernah menyalahi janjiNya, came through. 

Every. single. time.

To save me and provide for me.

This is not me doubting,

this is not me questioning,

and not even wanting what others have

because deep down, Allah knows better how I feel.

Allah knows better how much I believe that what is meant for me is only for me and is the best for me.

But how could it be wrong for a normal human being like me to say out what weighs heavy in her heart, right?

--

I miss my Macbook, this is me writing with my work Dell and somehow it doesn't feel the same haha 

My Macbook has been with me through so many writings through my college years.. aaa i miss it a lot now.

berlapang dada

They always use the metaphor of how medicines are bitter when they talk about how you gotta go through some hurtful shit in your life just so you will be better at some point or just later on for a long long time in your life.

And I think that's true.

I still remember how for years, I prayed so much for something and still in the end, it still didn't turn out like how I wanted it to be. I wanted it so, so much, like I never wanted anything else more in my entire life.

But time has passed now, 

and my heart is utterly grateful having taught myself about how things always work out in the way *Allah* deems better for us. 

And that indeed, 

will always,

be,

the better case for us.

With all the challenging times I had been put in, trying to go through and just get by in life,

here I am now..

A person who's more.. berlapang dada,

with everything that flows in my life.

Whatever that doesn't work out,

my heart is at ease,

knowing that Allah itu Maha Tahu.

Percayakan sahaja.

Dalam Allah mengambil juga, itu sebenarnya suatu pemberian,

yang datang dari kasih sayang Ar-Rahman.

Kini aku lebih berlapang dada,

seyakin-yakinnya mahu percaya;

Semua yang ditakdirkan dan diciptakan untuk aku tak akan pernah terlepas dariku.

Maka tak akan aku paksa apa yang bukan Allah ciptakan untukku.

Forever I pray the heart finds the need and reliance towards Allah.

Forever I pray that the heart finds relief in having trust in Allah.

Forever I pray the heart finds healing in coming home and being close to Allah.

short vent on loving yourself

Above all else, I have learned that it is of upmost importance that I never put myself in a position where I would have to doubt my worth and values, or feel any less than what I am actually worth. "Love yourself" is such a cliche thing I've heard all my life, but it has finally dawned on me as it should have earlier than it did. Because there are already people who have dishonored me, or disrespected me, or people with possibilities of them MIGHT doing that to me, so why should I be another person to hurt myself like that?

When you know what love really is and all the other things that your heart truly seeks, you’ll learn to set your standards and boundaries and you’ll muster the courage to not compromise what you deserve.

And I am on my journey of learning and remembering,

and standing firm in upholding all that I believe in;

and I will get there-

where I am supposed to be.

setia

When Wan Emir’s mum said “kerana kita tidak mahu setia kerana janji, kita akan setia kerana cinta, hanya kerana cinta”, it really hit me. 

God knows how much I truly loved W in the way that I really felt like if I were to describe love, it would be all that I felt and did for him in his knowledge, and even without him knowing. Apa I rasa untuk Wazeef, I I legit rasa itulah cinta. But just as much as I would’ve wanted to keep clinging on to it, how could I after all that he had done and chose to do?

Some people may be good for others but what use will it be to cling on to something that isn’t meant for you?

Loyalty is a choice and it was a choice I had always made in the past 4 years that I had you in my heart; for as long as I loved you.

Loyalty is a choice and my loyalty for you was never bound by the official title of “I am yours and you are mine” but rather, it was in the name of love, of wanting to share a future together, of wanting to learn through life’s ups and downs together; 

hand-in-hand, 

together.

But maybe I was too blind to see or was fooled into thinking that you truly felt the same way, too when the fact is it was never the case.

Maybe I was the one who clung onto it so so much when all you wanted was to let go,

because maybe,

maybe you never really loved me and I was too blind to see.

And just like it had always been my choice to stick loyal to you, to honor the love we had, or whatever that was, it was also your choice to do what you did and that is that.

Semoga suatu hari nanti semuanya Allah ganti,

mungkin aku saja yang belum layak untuk semua yang Tuhan masih simpan.

and even if the whole world was to leave me and turn their backs on me,

i pray that forever it will be,

that God allow me to always be able to come back and return to him,

and that forever it will be,

that my heart finds ease and peace in knowing that I have Him with me.

life is a continuous learning and adapting process

honestly ever since it all really ended and with all that came into my life and also kept going on in it, i have been feeling SO out of character and i'm so confused as to who and what i really am. It's like I am in a whole new process of getting used to a new person that I have to be and forsake what I knew of and was comfortable with but well, isn't life a continuous learning and adapting process, anyway?

I don't mind people making their judgements about me at this time where I kinda *do* know and feel like I really am not myself, but well of course sometimes it gets to me.. maybe just a lil bit. It's just, weird and foreign and uncomfortable having to start being close to more people and and opening up and letting people to learn you even if it's in the slightest bit-- 

it is all just..

                   SO,

                    FOREIGN, 

                                             to me.

But life is a continuous learning and adapting process and I am on my journey so wHEW,

a girl gotta chill and just enjoy the ride.

Whoever you are at your very core is something that no one could ever take from you,

and I am still finding what I truly am.

—this is one of those nights where I feel so safe and sound in my space, nowhere else but here— 

aug 6, 2020

My better days are coming,

my better days are finally here.

If anything I'm just so happy that I am finally here,

and for all that I feel about Allah swt;

Allah Maha Tahu sangat-sangat,

and when He gives,

indeed,

He can give in His own ways you could never even think about.

My better days are finally here ❤

it will find its way back to you

I think that's the thing about life; there are actually a lot of things that are not under our control. There are people we want to be with so badly, or people we wish they treated us right just so we will never run out of reasons to not quit on them, or things we want to happen but the universe overpowers;

we could try so hard and so much but if Allah doesn't allow it to happen,
no matter how close you are to what you dream for,
by Allah, I can promise you;

it will never reach you.

It can be frustrating, really, and I still struggle with it, honestly,
but I just hope that my heart will forever remember that all that is meant for me,
no matter how far or near,
how difficult or easy,
how late or early,
at the end of it all,
by Allah,

it will come find me and it WILL reach me.

When you have given your very best and if your very best still wasn't enough,
then I hope you will find peace in knowing that it was never you who screwed up,
it was never you who gave up,
it was never you who turned back on your words,
it was never you who quitted,
and that you had given everything in your power to be the best and that even if you could go back in time, there is nothing else would or could you do differently.

---

My sincerity,
my efforts,
my loyalty,
the way I learned from every mistake and changed,
the way I forgave every single time,
the way I chose to understand and justify,
the way I nurtured,
the way I cared,
the way I could love so, unconditionally;

is never validated based on how anyone chooses to treat me,
and even if it goes so unappreciated by another,

by God, I know this;

all the love you had given out of pure love and sincerity will always find its way back to you.

venting gurlie wiwiwi

Tonight I actually wanted to blog my historical purchase today but I am currently too tired in bed and I gotta attend life early in the morning tomorrow so I am just gonna vent. Before I get to complain, I find myself grateful that Allah has blessed me a lot. I am happy for a 30% discount I got for my chipsmore cadbury today because of Grabpay, I am happy that I got to treat myself to a historical purchase on a good price today, I am grateful I have a job and I get to come home to the comfort of my bed and heavy blanket. I am blessed and I shouldnt complain, alhamdulillah.

I will take one day at a time these days, small steps if that’s all I could afford and to not give up. I feel shitty (and yet, still blessed) but thats okay, because God willing, the sun will rise again tomorrow and I will get to fix what I can and what I need to.

Never have I ever been disappointed in my supplication to Allah and that is sufficient for me.

The sun will rise again tomorrow and I get to do better,

bismillah and in shaa Allah :)

If I really can't take care of myself, then I hope Allah does whatever it takes to keep me in His safe care.

i don’t know

In my prayers, I always tell Allah that
if I pride myself as a lover,
then know that Allah swt is the Source of Love.
And if I pride myself for my loyalty,
then know that Allah swt is the Most Loyal.

I don't know about a lot of things.

I don't know if Allah is saving me,
or merely testing me.
I don't know if these days are just the price I am paying for many happy days that I get to have with you in the future,
or if these are just the beginning of days that I will continue to spend without you anymore.

I don't know where you are now,
or how you're doing,
or what you're thinking,
or how you're feeling;

there are just so many that I know nothing of and have control over.

But if you ever come across this,
I hope you know that there hasn’t been a day that passes that I didn’t think of you,
and every single time I do,
I’d always make prayers that you are well and happy,
and for God to allow you to get closer to Him;

for that is the most I could do as someone who still genuinely loves you.

There are so many things I have no knowledge and power over,
so I accept all that is meant for me now,
believing that Allah knows what is good for me.

This isn’t a writing that holds you responsible to reciprocate— no.

All I feel is mine alone,
and you get to go on with your life however you wish.

My own emotions have been like a roller coaster ride since you left;
some days I only feel the good feelings of missing and longing,
while on the other days, I would have to deal with the pain that comes from the realization of how I deserved better from you.

But one thing I do know for sure is this;

With all the good and bad days we’ve had,
I love you above all of them,
just like I always have,

and that remains.

Kalau jarak ini baik untuk kita supaya boleh perbaiki diri dan menjadi lebih baik,
this is good for me and I’ll wait for the day I get to be with you again.
Kalau jarak ini adalah permulaan untuk kita yang takkan pernah lagi punya waktu sama-sama,
Allah will surely have better plans for you and me,
and that is also good for me.

Selagi Allah izin I sayang you,
I sayang you and my feelings are mine alone.

Wherever you are,
I hope you are well.

I rindu you selalu.

life update: embarking

A major lesson the past few months have taught me is that, life can really be so uncertain, and the ultimate power of everything lies only in the hands of Allah swt.

I have long stopped telling people much about my struggles or my dreams, but rather, whatever that I wish for and dream of, even if it may seem far-fetched for me at the moment, I find comfort and satisfaction in making prayers to Allah swt about it, or even by merely sharing it all with Him, while at the same time, working within my means in the best possible way that I can to make it happen.

When you are in the uncertain phase of your life and nothing seems to go your way, it really can get so difficult and very much confusing for you. 

But once Allah grant your prayers I tell you, Allah bagi tu banyaaaak sangat sampai kadang macam tak cukup tangan nak tadah. 

This is life, isn't it?

To remain steadfast and having full faith during the times of uncertainty will be the test of your faith.

Bila menunggu di saat takda apa-apa tu memang rasa nak putus harapan je,

tapi percayalah,

sabar saja;

semua yang you doakan,

semua Allah dengar,

dan semua Allah akan perkenankan pada masa yang paling baik.

Kalau tak sabar,

dari mana kau nak dapat pahala bersabar?

Kalau tak ada gelap,

macam mana kau nak kenal terang?

Kalau tak ada harapan,

macam mana kau nak kenal Allah dan semua sifat baikNya?

--

Banyak lagi benda yang I masih harap dan doakan,

and I pray that if it's good for me,

Allah grants it all for me,

all at the right time.

--

Ada banyak benda yang I tak tahu,

tapi Allah tahu.

Bila kau sedar kau punya batas

tapi Allah swt tidak punya batas dalam kekuasaanNya,

jadi kau titip pada Tuhan segala yang tak mampu kau jaga,

yang kau tak punya pengetahuannya.

Dan sesungguhnya,

semua yang kau titip pada Tuhan takkan pernah hilang dari jagaanNya.

a waiting game in my career journey

Rezeki semua orang sudah tertulis dan apa yang tak ditakdirkan untuk kita, dekat macam mana pun, takkan pernah sampai pada kita. Those who know are aware that I left CapG for SLB's offer even when the pay difference wasn't so much for I believed in a greater career growth potential in the big blue which also had had my heart through my internship experience. It was never a dream I had from the beginning but after months of being a part of it, even if it wasn't in the most significant way, I started to carry the pride of the company and I foresaw myself being a real part of it; welp, more real than just carrying an intern title.

But who would've thought that the global pandemic was about to blow off and after months of putting down my signature on the official contract, I would still be stuck at home and knowing that my opportunity is highly likely to have been blown over already.

For the past few months, I had put in efforts more than I ever thought I would, so strongly believing that my rezeki and all that I pray for will come, I just need to put in the right efforts. My writing here doesn't mean that I have given up-- I haven't but I just pray so so much that I come out of this uncertainty stronger than I had ever been, really soon.

Waiting in an uncertainty is amongst a huge test of faith, really.

Many times I was on the brink of wondering if I had made the wrong choice for jumping back to SLB when I was only a week into CapG but really, would it have been wise to do it differently?

It wasn't a dream from the beginning but it would have become a proud achievement for my own self to be able to work in a firm so highly credible like the big blue and I was already handed that dreamy offer of mine; so how could I, turn it away?

Rezeki semua orang sudah ditetapkan dan mungkin rezeki aku belum tiba masanya lagi tapi aku yakin, dan aku berharap hati aku akan terus yakin..

dengan usaha, pasti ada balasannya.

Please make prayers for me :-(

trying to write

the truth is so many times i wanted to write about what has weighed me down so so much, my biggest trial in my life thus far, and yet, i never, ever, got to make it.

because it just feels too complex and hard for me to ever convey it to people, not even the friends I’ve been friends with for years except for a very, very, few.

I want myself to write this because I want myself to appreciate and remember how strong I really am, how persistent and tabah I have gotten through all that was thrown at me and how amidst it all, up until today by Allah’s mercy and help, I still haven’t given up.

“Antara bantuan Allah kepada orang yang meminta bila ditimpa kesusahan adalah Allah kuatkan hatinya.”

Kalau hari ini kita kalah,

esok kita cuba lagi.

My dearest self,

I pray that for all that you have ever been so sincere of,

for all the prayers you never gave up in making,

I pray that Allah grants you in the best possible way you could never even imagine.

I pray that for all the days you spent crying alone,

being the only person you got,
to teach and tell all that is right from the wrongs,

for all the days you wished you never had to go through alone,

I pray you never lose hope that God is always hearing and seeing

and even as a sinner,

you get to ask.

And even with all that you are imperfect for,

for long as you trust in the mercy of Allah,

I pray that someday Allah grant you all that you had ever hoped for,

and so much more.

So keep learning and just give everything your best;
this MCO/Ramadhan you learned how you find joy in giving your best
and leaving the rest to Allah.

learning

one thing i truly appreciate about myself is that i do believe i am someone who is continuously willing to learn. some things may be small to others but there were things i was not taught/taught differently growing up that i had to reparent and teach myself about them and that’s okay.

It’s okay to slowly teach myself now instead of having known everything from a long time ago,

i know how we were all taught differently and my willingness to learn and slowly practice what i learn— I appreciate myself for that.

for A

i will always remember my friends who had been genuine to me in the past, 

i really will always remember,

even in our separate lives and  even if we barely talk anymore.

Sebab bila you dapat rasa someone punya genuineness, it stays.

so I wish you well, A,

you will always remain that genuine friend to me in my mind and my heart.

Thank you for teaching me a lot on how to "take care" of myself,

to inspire me that I never need anyone else to stand up for me as much as I need myself,

and to inspire me that we can do anything that we want in our lives.

all the love that you had given that had always ever been so sincere,
by God, they will find their way back to you.

Sebab yang membalas bukan manusia,
tapi Tuhan.