meant for us

 I think the heart’s true peace is found when it has truly accepted that not everything and everyone in this life is meant for us, and that what is meant for us, will always, eventually make their way home to us.

This means that in anything, someone could be so much better than you, or you could be seemed as the one who’s above your other competitors, but at the end of it all, it always boils down to whether or not, the thing you want is what Allah has decreed for you.

But then, it is worth noting that nothing will ever reach us without our best efforts. As Allah has said in the Quran, “Verily, Allah will not change the condition of the people as long as they do not change their state themselves.” in Surah Ar Rad 13:11.

Maybe one could see it as this; there’s a bag of gold meant for you on a mountain and it has already been set for you, but then, if you never make your way there yourself, how can you ever be in possession of it? Right?

Maybe when you’re job hunting and then you think of, hmM when will I ever start working (this really happened to me in the past that whenever someone asks me for tips, I would always say, 90% of it is merely because it’s rezeki and meant for me. But God knows the efforts I had put in.) Trust that Allah already knows where and when you should start working, but until you finally get there, you gotta keep going.

Hopefully with this knowledge of how “Not everything and everyone is meant for us and that’s okay.” and that “Whatever Allah witholds from us when we have asked Him so sincerely for it, believe that He does it with limitless knowledge and mercy.”, I hope that we are able to put our worries at ease every time they get us too fazed.

Not everything and everyone in this life is meant for us and that is truly, totally, fine. :)

May we all be united with what God, with His ultimate love and mercy, decrees for us.

i went hiking/waterfalling

haha i had an awesome weekend because i have always been an adventurous person so i got to swim in a waterfall last weekend with a lifejacket tho (omg for reals siapalah aq tanpa lifejacket.... and the person who teman-ed me) because dude was a pro, lifesaver, a m a z i n g 🤩🤩

But i just wanna say this-

I’ve come to learn that just anyone can make me wanna jump of excitement or giddiness or sweep me off my feet, but bukan senang nak buka hati dan *constantly* *memilih* untuk susah senang dengan satu orang. I harap W happy dengan pilihan dia to have forsaken all that we had, I hope it has been worth it for him.

and even if the whole world was to leave me and turn their backs on me,

i pray that forever it will be,

that God allow me to always be able to come back and return to him,

and that forever it will be,

that my heart finds ease and peace in knowing that I have Him with me.

life is a continuous learning and adapting process

honestly ever since it all really ended and with all that came into my life and also kept going on in it, i have been feeling SO out of character and i'm so confused as to who and what i really am. It's like I am in a whole new process of getting used to a new person that I have to be and forsake what I knew of and was comfortable with but well, isn't life a continuous learning and adapting process, anyway?

I don't mind people making their judgements about me at this time where I kinda *do* know and feel like I really am not myself, but well of course sometimes it gets to me.. maybe just a lil bit. It's just, weird and foreign and uncomfortable having to start being close to more people and and opening up and letting people to learn you even if it's in the slightest bit-- 

it is all just..

                   SO,

                    FOREIGN, 

                                             to me.

But life is a continuous learning and adapting process and I am on my journey so wHEW,

a girl gotta chill and just enjoy the ride.

Whoever you are at your very core is something that no one could ever take from you,

and I am still finding what I truly am.

—this is one of those nights where I feel so safe and sound in my space, nowhere else but here— 

aug 6, 2020

My better days are coming,

my better days are finally here.

If anything I'm just so happy that I am finally here,

and for all that I feel about Allah swt;

Allah Maha Tahu sangat-sangat,

and when He gives,

indeed,

He can give in His own ways you could never even think about.

My better days are finally here ❤

venting gurlie wiwiwi

Tonight I actually wanted to blog my historical purchase today but I am currently too tired in bed and I gotta attend life early in the morning tomorrow so I am just gonna vent. Before I get to complain, I find myself grateful that Allah has blessed me a lot. I am happy for a 30% discount I got for my chipsmore cadbury today because of Grabpay, I am happy that I got to treat myself to a historical purchase on a good price today, I am grateful I have a job and I get to come home to the comfort of my bed and heavy blanket. I am blessed and I shouldnt complain, alhamdulillah.

I will take one day at a time these days, small steps if that’s all I could afford and to not give up. I feel shitty (and yet, still blessed) but thats okay, because God willing, the sun will rise again tomorrow and I will get to fix what I can and what I need to.

Never have I ever been disappointed in my supplication to Allah and that is sufficient for me.

The sun will rise again tomorrow and I get to do better,

bismillah and in shaa Allah :)

pasti kembali

In one of the speeches I have been listening to, I learned that semua yang didunia ini, jika dia telah pergi kepada Allah, dia takkan kembali. Tapi doa; bila ia pergi kepada Allah, ia pasti akan kembali.

Maksud kembali adalah; it will come back to the one that made the du’a in the first place.

Kadang mungkin kita dah lupa the small or even big prayers we made a few years ago ke apa, but Allah tak pernah lupa. Dalam sabar kita, ada pahalanya dan dalam setiap doa kebaikan yang kita buat juga Allah beri pahala. Pengabulannya adalah cerita yang lain; ini baru sahaja pahala/ganjaran yang Allah beri hanya semata kita telah meminta dan bercerita kepada Allah.

Kerana hamba yang meminta dan bercerita kepada Allah mestilah mereka yang percaya pada kekuasaan Tuhannya, dan setidaknya, mereka percaya bahwa Allah itu ada; 

Allah mendengar dan Allah berkuasa.

Semoga Allah izin kita terus bercerita kepadaNya dan semoga Allah kabulkan segala kebaikan yang kita harapkan.

In this time of trials;

Oooh, what a time to be alive.

God chose for me

tonight in my prayers i was hit with the realization of how Allah has chosen for me and how I had always been satisfied by His choices, and looking back, I never truly saw them coming before they came and reached me.

Allah chose SAB for me when I prayed so, so, hard to be accepted into Seri Puteri Cyberjaya and was sad over it for at least the first half of my first year in high school. It turned out that my years in SAB were my golden years and I made the best of friends I still get to treasure till today.

Allah chose TGB for me when I so badly wished I could stay in SAB with my friends, which got me away from being at home and helped me build myself and the way I bring myself among my people, literally.

Allah chose Vanderbilt in the US for me when I truly had no idea or wish on going anywhere after SPM, which will forever remain as among my greatest memories/opportunities in my life and for majorly, I met W here which had literally gave a huge meaning and impacted my life on a grand scale.

And quite recently last year, as I made continuous prayers to God and again, not knowing where I wanted to go, Allah chose Schlumberger for me; the company many could only dream to work for, which also turned out to be the place where I met people whom I loved being around and loved my company.

Never have Allah given me any less than what my heart desired so I may not be in my best state at the moment, but I have faith in the power of du'a and in the power of Allah swt who is Al-Kareem; the Most Generous, and Al-Hakeem; the Wise one.

May Allah swt have mercy on us and keep choosing for us, and making us happy with all that He chooses for us.

I always tell God of what I truly desire, even if I have no idea on how to make it happen/correct it in the way I would be happy with it but I always assure myself and say in my prayers that

"This is what I truly hope for but ya Allah, I don't know what You know and above it all, I want what You think is best for me and make me happy with your decree. But please ya Allah, this is what I want. Make it right ya Allah, if it's good for me."

And in shaa Allah, percayalah yang whatever that is meant for you, will always reach you. Ada banyak benda yang kita tak tahu tapi Allah tahu, jadi husnudzon dengan Allah. Mungkin Allah sedang menjaga kita :) But make prayers for all that you want;

Doa boleh mengubah takdir. Kuasa Allah takda batas.

saying a prayer

I pray that whatever good that is meant for me,

will come to me,

all at the right time.

I let God know of what my heart desires,

while still keeping in mind that above it all,

I want what He thinks is best for me,

and for Him to make my heart content 

with what He grants me.

This is me assuring myself,

that I am still on my journey.

This is me assuring myself,

that my Lord knows what is best for me,

as much as He knows what I truly desire.

And He loves me,

even more than my own mother loves me.

This is me reminding myself,

my Lord has a great bounty.

This is me assuring myself,

just like how he lifted the heaviness in my heart today,

He will grant me,

as He always grants me.

getting demotivated

I remember how my tough times in engineering school have made me serik and set my mind that I never wanted to do engineering anymore. One thing I have always known about me is that I have always enjoyed and been passionate about selling, and business.

I am getting so demotivated day by day about all these technical stuff I am learning and will have to learn in Slum. My heart is somewhere else so I cannot really focus.

I can only pray God guide me in my career progression because I really am getting so demotivated every day now at work.

My passion is in business. I no longer want to be an engineer, it’s not where my heart is.

my first reach out

Today I finally made my way to the doctor as I have been dealing with sleep problems again for the past two weeks now so I wanted something that could help me sleep for a good 12 hours tomorrow. Rasa penat sangat tapi tak boleh tidur sebab my mind tak boleh rest so mampu nangis je. I went to a typical private clinic so I only met with an MD (Medical Doctor) instead of a psychiatrist but ya Allah, I bersyukur sangat Allah temukan I dengan Dr. Aisya harini.

When I first talked to her and told her how I baru start kerja for a month and benda ni boleh affect my daily routines etc, etc, she thought it was because of my change of routines but as I began to open up that I have been struggling with anxiety since my uni days, she said "Sebenarnya I wanted to say anxiety tapi I didn't want to attack you terus macamtu." I bersyukur sangat that I was able to talk to her and kebetulan Allah takdirkan, doctor yang I spoke with adalah orang yang sudi memahami, bersimpati dan sudi mendengar (She's an MD, not a psychiatrist so she could have just cut it short as this was not a psychiatric clinic). She had patients outside waiting in line but she attended to me for almost an hour or so.

And kenapa I rasa sangat bersyukur to meet her particularly today adalah sebab she said things that I needed to hear aka God-related stuff. Because true, benda tu sangat-sangat helpful for me.

My days have been tough honestly, I am trying so hard just to get by. My blood pressure was low today and I was really desperate for a good, no-thinking sleep so my doctor prescribed me with Xanax.

Sebenarnya rasa tak adil kalau aku cakap my life has been hard sebab sebenarnya lagi banyak orang yang diduga lagi teruk sedangkan aku, Allah kasi banyak rezeki yang hebat;

and among rezeki itu adalah bila Allah temukan aku dengan orang-orang baik.
Orang yang mengingatkan aku tentang kebaikan dan yang menyedarkan aku tentang kuasa dan kasih sayang Tuhan.

My doctor said I should not go straight to relying on medications. Ubat tak akan selesaikan masalah, but rather, carilah orang yang you percaya, yang nak terima you seadanya and yang boleh sentiasa ingatkan you that you are always gonna be fine.

Because anxiety isn’t something you can just cure, what you can do is to learn to control/deal with it.

And I need to cut off EVERY single thing and people that could affect me.

When the doctor said that what would help is to have someone who can be on this journey with me (help me through it), it reminded me of how W was always that person for me. He knows my fears including what I deal with at home, or with Vandy people but now I gotta face the fact that I am all I’ve got now.

It may be tough time for me now but I know I got this under control.

I don’t want to live with my anxiety or let it stand in my way in moving forward in life so if I want it healed (under control), the effort is on me. The cure is with me.

the girl who writes

I am so glad I have always been a girl who writes.

I have been rereading back my diary and my posts back in 2014;

ma shaa Allah,

memang Allah takda langsung buat perkara dengan sia-sia.

Semua doa aku Allah makbul,

semua jalan Allah untuk aku selama ini,

semua aku happy with.

I am so so glad I have always been a girl who writes;

I can always revisit my old self in the form of my old writings to find myself again.

--

I am so so glad I have always been a girl who writes;

cause tonight it reminds me of how trusting and relying on Allah tak akan pernah menghampakan.

Sabar,

harus sabar.

healing

My iPhone's Notes app is filled with so many writings I never got to finish; I never got to interpret what I truly feel or think these days into words but so so many times, God let me find ease in saying it all in my prayers, or talking it out to my friends about it.

I have recently realized that I had taken a lot of wrong steps in my life previously and as I am in this process of healing, shifting everything to myself, so many times I have failed (aka I would always get demotivated again and would have to call someone to knock some sense into me again) but I have been wanting to say this:

I thank Allah so so much for these past few months where I have truly been feeling blessed in the company of good friends.

I am blessed feeling that I always get to tell someone when it gets too much at a point, and then I will get back up again. And if I fall again, I am thankful that I always get to talk it out..

in my prayers, or to other people who are there for me.

--

At this very moment, I find peace in knowing that I do not have to say it all in one writing entry, or to make sure I get to post it here, or that certain people someday know some things.

--

Allah swt definitely knows it all,

and that should suffice.

That does suffice.

random writing i need

The truth is my days have been tough but I still keep going because I believe that these days will pass, the only way out is through.

I am always baffled by mixed feelings and thoughts I am trying to interpret and translate, or somedays I just want to find ease in letting it all flow but it seems to be so difficult and what I know for sure is, I am worn out, and my anxiety pikes again.

I hate to use anxiety as an excuse but sometimes it really is what it is; and I shouldn't be bothered if people think I am just dramatic or exaggerating.

I say my prayers in my salah, and I say my prayers in all my writings.

So my place is here,
my safe place is here--

one at a time,
I will find ease,
I will be in peace.

Hinanya manusia bila lupa,
fitrahnya hanya seorang hamba.

Yang tidak punya kuasa,
yang tidak bisa menundukkan dunia.

Rasa yang kokoh dalam hati seolah petanda dari Tuhan untuk memujuk;

berbahagialah,
ini yang terbaik untukmu.

Blessed I am that the person I love is not just a lover, but he's my true best friend. As in, it's not just the mushy feelings and shit but we're really, best friends. But at the end of the day, I know I still long for a girl friend to talk to. I've been longing for a girl friend to talk to. Or at least to be able to open up to my mum again. Because as much as Wazeef can listen and respond, it is not the same. Because he's a guy, there are things he won't understand, there are things his opinions would be the last you'd consider cause he's a GUY. I swear on God that I've never felt like I've lost everyone, except for a person of the opposite gender that I love in a romantic way, that I truly trust to share my stories with like I do in my 20th year of living.

Tell me how can it be so wrong to only want to be able to share it with someone who actually cares? Tell me how is it that every single time I feel bothered with what circles in my mind, what holds me back from sharing is the thought of how I cannot burden another person with my stories?

Because if you're someone I love and if you ever feel the way I do,
if you ever feel like your problem is not worth sharing, not worth talking because everybody has their own problem to deal with,
talk to me,
for God's sake,
talk to me,

I swear on God I would carry you.

I would carry you even if I am a huge mess myself,
I would carry you even if I struggle myself,

just talk to me and let me be there for you.

And if I ever do it the wrong way,
talk to me and tell me about it,
tell me and let me be there for you.

Because how can it be so wrong,
to only want to not carry it alone?

kasih sayang Tuhan

Pernah tak you rasa nak nangis and terharu sangat betapa baiknya Allah swt dekat you?

Sebab satu tahun, atau mungkin lebih, bagai orang hilang arah, dunia kau terasa hancur bila hati kau kecewa kerana sayang pada manusia, sampai depressed betul-betul, almost setiap hari menangis, almost setiap masa anxiety tak pernah tinggalkan kau,

pastu tiba-tiba suatu saat, Allah putarkan semua.

Sekelip mata, macam tu je.

Sebab kalau aku boleh fikirkan a turning point for this,
where everything changed,
it was when I made a dua one night in the summer,
asking Allah for just enough semangat and strength to go through tomorrow,
and ever since then,
my chest doesn't hurt anymore when things go wrong.

I jenis yang expressive dan I suka menulis,
I suka dan hargai keindahan kata,
sometimes mood bahasa inggeris,
sometimes nak tulis bahasa melayu,
so today I was reading my tweets from my super private twitter which only has one person other than myself in that space,

so dalam I vent and cakap sorang-sorang,
I selalu cam jadikan doa,
and one of yang I selalu cakap is,
"Ya Allah, jagakan."
or "Ya Allah, jaga aku."
or "Ya Allah, I wanna get better."

The thing I thank Allah the most for in my life currently is Wazeef's presence in my life. And while things feel so good with him back, there are some things that have been taken away from my life.

Tapi despite the things that are still not in my favor at this moment,
today I sedar betapa baiknya Allah swt dekat I.
Today I sedar betapa semua doa selamba I dekat private twitter I tu,
Allah makbulkan.

Maka mungkin benar orang kata ucap yang baik-baik saja,
sebab kata-kata itu doa.

Dan hari ini,
I nak cakap dekat diri sendiri,
yang harini, I finally boleh cakap benda ni dekat diri sendiri;

doa I yang selama ni I minta dekat Allah, walaupun dalam keadaaan I masih hamba penuh cela, walaupun doa yang hanya terlintas dalam kata selamba, Allah makbulkan semua. Allah uji I yang berat-berat beberapa musim yang lalu, hikmahnya hari ini baru I sedar. Jadi semua ujian Allah yang berat-berat tu dulu tujuannya adalah untuk hari ini, sebab harini ini Allah izinkan I rasa dan sangat hargai betapa besar kasih sayang Tuhan untuk hambaNya, walau hamba itu masih banyak dosa, terlampau jauh dari sempurna. Ujian berat-berat semua tu dulu, izinkan I untuk hargai harini, untuk rasa dekat dengan Allah dengan bahagia dan relief yang Allah titipkan untuk aku pada hari ini.

Alhamdulillah ya Allah, alhamdulillah ya Allah.

Masih belum sempurna, tapi terima kasih sebab masih menjaga, sentiasa menjaga.

Late post: Orlando --- My dream came true.

Orlando has been my dream since I was 15 cause one of my best friends went and spoke about how it’s the place for theme parks in the world. And then I was 17 and I had a not-very-serious impian, yknow, the kind that you cam terlintas je or cakap gitu2 je; “By the age of 27, I’ll come to Orlando. With the love of my life, hopefully.”

Happily Ever After lights and fireworks show,
Magic Kingdom, Walt Disney World Orlando.

I was in Disney with Irina, one of my high school girlfriends and then I was in Universal Orlando, with Express Pass and with the love of my life. 

Ya Allah, alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah, alhamdulillah sangat-sangat.

I truly feel like I’m so undeserving of this. If anything at the end of this trip makes me feel like, it’s that it makes me so bersyukur to Allah sebab masih sayang I sangat, walaupun I banyak sangat dosa lagi. Wallahi, how could this be anything but love from Allah swt?

How could this be anything but love?

A year and a lil bit more ago I was so shattered, dunia I seolah2 hancur sebab cinta dan sayang pada manusia, and I know I’m not doing things the most rightful way at the moment but baiknya Allah swt still sayang I, Wazeef masih ada dalam hidup I, dan sayang I sangat. Jaga I sangat. Even though he still insists on a break after graduation. Alhamdulillah ya Allah. Petang Hari Arafah ni I am writing this in the car on the way back to Nashville.

Just like how Allah swt, dengan penuh kasih sayang dan mercy untuk hamba yang banyak dosa ni, have granted my just-terlintas-wishes in my life before this, ya Allah help me and easy my way to be a better hamba ya Allah. To be more deserving of all Your nikmat dan kasih sayang. And for things in my life to get better. 

And for You to take care of me sentiasa ya Allah.

Amin ya rabbal a’lamin.

Here are some pics from my Orlando trip which I want to have them here:

With Irina.

In front of the Magic Kingdom Castle.

Universal Orlando, Aug 18 2018.

Universal Orlando, Aug 19 2018.

Weasleys' Wizards Wheezes.

Inside the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.

Diagon Alley.

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

Today during breakfast with Aiman we got to a point where I talked about Wazeef and Aiman was listening to me and the face that he had was like a meaningful one, he smirked a lil bit.

And then I was like, "Why? My face lights up eh when I talk about him?"

And he laughed a lil bit, "Yeah. Hahaha. I said this to you once jugak. I think it was last year."

ALSO, I tercakap "Aaaah, my baby.." When I was talking about Wazeef.

Haih, that's how much I love you.

I wanted to say "If only you knew" but I know for sure now, of course you do.

Aaaah, may Allah help us get better.