setahun lalu // a year ago

setahun yang lalu, 

hati aku berat melepaskan 

tapi kerna kau rayu, 

aku turutkan.

setahun yang lalu, 

kau tabur janji 

untuk aku berpegang.

Meski tak punya jaminan,

terus aku percaya 

dan tak pernah berhenti aku mendoakan.

tapi semua katamu sendiri semudah-mudahnya kau lupakan,

seolah janji dan semua yang kita punya,

semuanya tak pernah punya makna.

setahun yang lalu,

hari-hari aku berteman air mata,

dan hati yang berat menanggung rindu

pada cinta yang aku telah beri semuanya,

sedang cinta yang sama itu bagi kau,

tak cukup punya makna.

--

A year ago, I thought I could never live a life without you. I thought I would never want a life without you, so with whatever we had, I made do. With whatever we had, I let it be enough. I looked past all the mistreatments, things involving other women that had hurt me to the very core, and how despite our 5 years of true ups and downs together and yet you were still always never truly certain of me..

A year ago, I would have still believed that I never wanted anything else, or anyone else.

But time does pass and change things.

I am not the same girl I was a year ago,

or any years prior to it.

I had discounted so many of what I wanted and deserved for you only for you to take me for granted, over and over again.

Maybe I am not worthy enough for you,

always have been..?

And maybe, 

a year ago and the years prior, 

that would have affected me.

But I have loved with every inch of my being,

with utmost sincerity and a love that knew, truly no boundary..

And for you to do what you have done,

I am not the one at loss.

--

Takkan lagi punya cerita,

Sakinah dan Wazeef.

i don’t know

In my prayers, I always tell Allah that
if I pride myself as a lover,
then know that Allah swt is the Source of Love.
And if I pride myself for my loyalty,
then know that Allah swt is the Most Loyal.

I don't know about a lot of things.

I don't know if Allah is saving me,
or merely testing me.
I don't know if these days are just the price I am paying for many happy days that I get to have with you in the future,
or if these are just the beginning of days that I will continue to spend without you anymore.

I don't know where you are now,
or how you're doing,
or what you're thinking,
or how you're feeling;

there are just so many that I know nothing of and have control over.

But if you ever come across this,
I hope you know that there hasn’t been a day that passes that I didn’t think of you,
and every single time I do,
I’d always make prayers that you are well and happy,
and for God to allow you to get closer to Him;

for that is the most I could do as someone who still genuinely loves you.

There are so many things I have no knowledge and power over,
so I accept all that is meant for me now,
believing that Allah knows what is good for me.

This isn’t a writing that holds you responsible to reciprocate— no.

All I feel is mine alone,
and you get to go on with your life however you wish.

My own emotions have been like a roller coaster ride since you left;
some days I only feel the good feelings of missing and longing,
while on the other days, I would have to deal with the pain that comes from the realization of how I deserved better from you.

But one thing I do know for sure is this;

With all the good and bad days we’ve had,
I love you above all of them,
just like I always have,

and that remains.

Kalau jarak ini baik untuk kita supaya boleh perbaiki diri dan menjadi lebih baik,
this is good for me and I’ll wait for the day I get to be with you again.
Kalau jarak ini adalah permulaan untuk kita yang takkan pernah lagi punya waktu sama-sama,
Allah will surely have better plans for you and me,
and that is also good for me.

Selagi Allah izin I sayang you,
I sayang you and my feelings are mine alone.

Wherever you are,
I hope you are well.

I rindu you selalu.

01.03.2020

You own my entire heart, you always have and if there will never be any more of us in the future, all I’ll do is to keep reminding myself that I’ve had my time with you.

I’ve had my time loving someone so much that I dare say I know now what unconditional love is,

I’ve had a love that runs so deep for someone that for years, God had listened so much about you in the prayers that have come from me.

Moga Tuhan izin kita masih punya masa untuk sama-sama lagi nanti.

1st March 2020 marks the last time I saw you, the last time I had my time with you.