stick to your core

for the longest of time, i tried to shape myself into becoming some kind of woman I want to be, and sometimes i get so confused with everything and will find myself wanting to hide from the world. 

i do so much of that to my own self when all along, all i should have done was to just.. 

stick to my core.

Who am I regardless of everything that comes and goes from my life?

Who am I at the bottom of it all?

What is my heart truly like, and what does it believe in?

These should have been the questions i should have stuck to all along but instead, i let myself get swayed by every "inspiration" that i saw, which is not entirely bad but in doing so, i forsook the most important thing i should have stuck to; my own core.

and one thing i know for sure is this;

for long as i choose to believe in God in every step that i take, believing with utter faith that Allah will take care of me, especially when I can't do that for myself, I am set for life.

it will find its way back to you

I think that's the thing about life; there are actually a lot of things that are not under our control. There are people we want to be with so badly, or people we wish they treated us right just so we will never run out of reasons to not quit on them, or things we want to happen but the universe overpowers;

we could try so hard and so much but if Allah doesn't allow it to happen,
no matter how close you are to what you dream for,
by Allah, I can promise you;

it will never reach you.

It can be frustrating, really, and I still struggle with it, honestly,
but I just hope that my heart will forever remember that all that is meant for me,
no matter how far or near,
how difficult or easy,
how late or early,
at the end of it all,
by Allah,

it will come find me and it WILL reach me.

When you have given your very best and if your very best still wasn't enough,
then I hope you will find peace in knowing that it was never you who screwed up,
it was never you who gave up,
it was never you who turned back on your words,
it was never you who quitted,
and that you had given everything in your power to be the best and that even if you could go back in time, there is nothing else would or could you do differently.

---

My sincerity,
my efforts,
my loyalty,
the way I learned from every mistake and changed,
the way I forgave every single time,
the way I chose to understand and justify,
the way I nurtured,
the way I cared,
the way I could love so, unconditionally;

is never validated based on how anyone chooses to treat me,
and even if it goes so unappreciated by another,

by God, I know this;

all the love you had given out of pure love and sincerity will always find its way back to you.

Takdir Allah

Tonight I belajar pasal takdir. Demi Allah, Tuhan tu Maha Baik. Specifically to Nurul Sakinah, Allah tu jaga you macam a baby. Lembut sangat-sangat cara Dia, cara Tuhan jaga you.

My break up since the past few months has made me put in a lot of efforts to connect spiritually with Allah and Islam again. I jadi suka pergi masjid. So today, after work and after makan Pelita sorang2, I nak jalan pergi masjid KLCC tapi it was already late in the evening and jalan cam jauh je so I ended up pergi Four Seasons Hotel untuk solat.

Ada satu mak cik ni, dia duduk je situ in her telekung, we didn’t bertegur pun. So after prayed, I called Aliaa as promised and I talked about Slum and a bit of W lollll I kan selamba je perangai, I thought cam “hm takpalah mak cik ni bukan kenal I pun, and mana la tahu dia tak pay attention pun I cakap apa, plus I cakap la full english and laju haha”

But after habis maghrib, she tegur-ed me and said “Aunty nak tanya, you belajar Engineering eh? What Engineering exactly eh?”

Then she went on and opened up pasal anak2 dia/problems dia (sampai menangis ☹️)and ya Allah, my meeting with her tonight really reminded me again of how takdir Allah tu memang indah sangat. I tak terfikir pun akan ada this encounter tonight but I did. This encounter buat I rasa Allah sedang menegur dan memujuk I. Lembutnya Tuhan pada aku.

Percayalah, you jaga Allah, Allah jaga you. Allah nak tegur, nak kasi solutions; cara Tuhan tu lembut sangat-sangat. Apa this aunty cakap dan luahkan tonight semuanya macam menjawab my questions and wonders yang I pendam sorang2 about what I am dealing with. Pasal family, parents and cinta.

Tonight, I want myself to remember that demi Allah, janji Allah tu benar. Perancangan Allah sentiasa lebih baik dari apa yang kita boleh bayangkan. Takdir adalah perkara yang tak diduga, tak dirancang, yang datangnya pasti dengan kemahuan Tuhan— 

dan takdir Allah itu sangatlah indah. 

Banyak sangat benda yang recently I rasa Tuhan balas balik semua ikhlas I pada Dia. Allah takkan sia-siakan hamba yang percaya, walaupun you buat dosa. Kalau you buat dosa, still pulanglah pada Allah. Recently I buat dosa pun, demi Allah, Allah masih jaga I. Masih tarik I balik to Him; baik sangat Tuhan dengan aku.

Sepanjang I cuba cari Tuhan again kan these few months, banyak kali sangat Allah temukan I dengan orang-orang yang buat I rasa kuasa Allah tu memang hebat. Dia temukan you dengan orang atau perkara yang you are meant for, all for His good intentions towards you.

One of the things yang mak cik ni cakap kat I tonight was;

“Dik, percayalah kuasa Allah. Kalau you pusing satu dunia pun, tapi kalau memang takdir you dengan dia, Allah akan temukan balik.”

Banyak lagi benda she said sebenarnya yang macam betul-betul buat I tersedar. Ya Allah, baik sangat Tuhan dekat I.

Siapa lagi nak jaga dan teman diri kita kalau bukan Tuhan?

— I wrote this because I want myself to remember this.

Percayalah pada kuasa Tuhan,

pada kasih sayang Tuhan.

Demi Allah,

Allah akan jaga.

Sentiasa akan menjaga.

—

Tonight I also realized how baik Allah towards me selama ni; 

pertemuan dan takdir aku dengan W pun adalah suatu tanda lembut dan sayangnya Allah dekat aku.

Hanya I yang kenal W in the way I did him, orang lain tak perlu faham dan tak perlu tahu.

Tonight I really am letting go,

choosing to trust in all that He plans for me.

—

I masih banyak dosa, banyak salah, belum betul-betul ikhlas dan sentiasa memilih Allah. Tapi selagi I mahu cuba, selagi tu I know that Allah will be there for me.

—

I wrote all this for me.

Doa

Ucaplah dalam doa,

mana mungkin Tuhanmu tidak mendengar.

Rasa kalau disimpan dalam hati,

hati manusia berbolak-balik.

Maka simpanlah di dalam doa,

kerna selamanya pasti tercatat dilangit.

Apa guna mahukan pengadilan manusia,

bukankah yang Maha Kuasa itu hanya Allah swt?

“سُبُلَنَا”

— Jalan Allah.

Mana mungkin jalan Allah itu pernah salah.

If it feels too heavy in your heart

and yet you refuse to share it with others

for whatever reason you may have,

then to Allah you cry.

And know that it's okay to not be okay,

even if no one was ever gonna understand,

know that it's okay,

to not be okay.

And when you can feel how hasty you are to get better,

then please know that it's okay to take your time to get better.

And when your fear of being left for your current state adds up to the burden of fear you are already carrying,

then know that it's okay to let people go.

there is something i really wish to change that in order to do so, although i keep failing again and again, at least with my heart i now hold on to “buat je, ubah, lepas tu berserah.”

haih, kuatlah wahai hati.

maafkan

Maybe whatever pain it used to leave you with and all the good times you have to leave behind become the reason why you are being hindered from the whole forgiving thing you need.

But what if I tell you this-

Forgive because you need it for yourself.

Forgive because you need to heal.

Forgive because you need to be better.

Forgive because you can't bring your past with you anymore.

You don't have to forgive just because it's a noble thing to do. That should be the last reason for you to ever offer forgiveness to anyone for any case in your entire life.

Forgive and let the past go because you need it for yourself.

Letting the past go and everyone involved in it doesn't mean whatever shit you had to go through doesn't matter anymore.

It doesn't downplay what you had to go through,

your pain and whatever it made you do,

but letting the past go will only mean that you terima dengan ujian yang Tuhan kasi.

Dan sekarang you mahu teruskan hidup you,

berhenti terus terperuk dalam kisah lama yang dah jadi dah pun,

yang kau tak mampu ubah pun.

Ubah, Nurul Sakinah.

Sebab Tuhan takkan ubah selagi kau tak ubah apa yang dalam hati kau.

A part of me wishes I am always here so that I will always be reminded of how marriage and emotional attachment are the last thing I would ever want in my entire life.

A part of me knows to always be here is the last thing I would ever want in my entire life.

reminder

Demi Allah, orang beriman itu bahagia.
Sumpah, tiada bahagia yang datang melainkan dari Allah, hanya dengan Allah.
Aku bukan sebaik-baik wanita, and just because I said this, it doesn't make me pious and people don't get to say I acah-acah alim also.

Demi Allah,
tiada bahagia yang datang dan berkekalan,
melainkan ianya dari Allah,
hanya dengan Allah.

Terkadang kita sedih bila things dont go our way,
Sayangnya, if only we knew,
Allah empties your hand only to make space for better things He's giving you.

Demi Allah,
bahagia hanya datang dari Allah,
dengan izin Allah.

Dan aku memilih untuk percaya kenyataan ini,
jadi jika benar,
aku lepaskan,
aku mahukan yang terbaik untukku,
meski perlahan-lahan harus aku berjalan,
sambil aku hapuskan air mata kesedihan.

Demi Allah,
orang yang percaya pada Tuhan itu bahagia.

Pasti bahagia.

Bahagia

Sedangkan hati manusia itu dipegang Tuhan,
Apa yang kau persoalkan?
Terlalu taksub dengan dunia,
sayangnya kau lupa,
dunia hanya untuk sementara.
Bukan manusia yang kau dambakan,
bukan cinta yang kau inginkan,
kosongnya hatimu kerna dahagakan kebahagiaan;
bahagia yang sebenar-benarnya.

Hancur hatimu tidak dihargai oleh orang yang kau ikhlas, tulus menerima,
namun tak pernahkah terlintas,
sungguh derhaka kau pada Tuhan;
setelah banyak nikmatNya kau terima,
berterusan kau hidup melanggar syariatNya.

Lintaskan kembali di benak fikiranmu,
doa tulus kau yang mana,
tidak Dia makbulkan?
Masih lagi mahu kau persoalkan?
Sungguh, kau hamba derhaka.

Berhentilah, sayang.
Berhenti mahu jadi cukup untuk mata yang sentiasa tertutup buatmu,
hati yang telah lama mati buatmu,
kata yang sudah lama basi untukmu.

Meski kau takkan pernah sempurna di mata manusia,
Dengan Tuhan, kau mampu bahagia.
Hanya dengan Tuhan, kau pasti bahagia.

Palingkanlah arahmu,
pulanglah pada Tuhan.
Izinkanlah dirimu,
bahagia dengan bahagia yang sebenar-benarnya.

Start over,
Start anew.

Nurul Sakinah,
so much awaits you.
Happiness is a choice.
Keep being happy,
keep being positive,
good things will come,
I promise.

Nurul Sakinah,
kau perempuan;
harus punya harga diri.

What's left to treasure when the bridge has been burned?
What's left to treasure when the other has chosen another path,
when the other has forgotten?
Brush it off,
burn 'em up.

Dismiss,
discard,
disregard.

to meet someone new

It's completely okay if you are still not ready,
you are not in a rush, anyway.
But if what holds you back is the possibility of him still loving you,
I hope you never forget how clear he has made it for you.
I know the love is most probably gone by now,
but I know you are still not used to changes.
But oh, how do I convince you this?
It is completely okay to meet someone new.
Oh, how do I tell you this?
No, baby. It doesn't have to be him.
You've given all that you could for him,
oh darling, it is enough.
I know what hides beneath your chest,
I know you hope someday he'll realize all that you've done for him.
Silly, do you think I do not know you think someday he'll realize and appreciate?
A-ha, do you think I do not know you hope he'll realize and run back to you?
Oh, silly girl you.
It is the thing about human;
they are capable of doing things you never thought they would.
So quit now, will you?
He has completely stopped choosing you,
so it is okay to meet someone new.


Tapi jangan diwujudkan rasa dengan sengaja,
sayang, tak mengapa jika kau belum bersedia.

cantik

Biar cantikmu terpancar dari akhlakmu,
dari tutur lembutmu,
dari tingkah lakumu.

Dan kejarlah kau akan kecantikan,
namun janganlah kau cantik untuk tampak cantik semata,
tapi cantiklah engkau kerna terpancarnya dari dalamanmu yang bahagia,
dari dalamanmu yang elok-elok sahaja.

Sayang,
aku tahu kau tak sempurna,
sungguh memang kau penuh cela.
Namun tak mengapalah,
teruslah kau,
terus berusaha.
Lumrah manusia tak berhenti dengan dosa,
jadi putarlah semuanya,
jangan kau biar terus hina dalam lembah yang sama.

reflect

Believe me, I still sin. A lot. A whole damn lot and I am not proud of it.

I have no intentions at all to seem pious or good but I just want to say that sungguh, bila kita ikhlas betul-betul cuba cari Allah, cuba cari Islam, at one point, memang our faith will be our shield. I did something I shouldn't have recently and it has been bothering me ever since. I have always been bad at making decisions but I really hope I will no longer make any wrong decisions after this.

Nurul Sakinah,
I hope you will never put anything before Allah swt after this.

I acknowledge the fact that I am a normal human being who can't help but to still sin but I just hope that I will be wiser after this.

Nurul Sakinah,
I hope you remember who healed you when the pain of a heartbreak almost made you overdose on sleeping pills.
I hope you remember the reality of the place you are in: temporary and full of tests.
I hope you remember the reality of the creations of your kind: unpredictable, able-to-hurt-you.
Take shelter in your Healer,
Take shelter in Him.
Dunia ini Allah punya,
semuanya,
demi Allah,
semuanya.
Choose Him so that your heart will be spared,
Choose Allah so that you can have it all: both dunya and akhirah.

Alhamdulillah, I am so much better now. I just want myself to remember that I do not want love yang terbitnya dari nafsu atau attachment semata-mata, itu bukan cinta yang aku cari.
Bukan cinta yang aku dambakan.

Aku impikan cinta yang kekal,
cinta yang mampu menjadi kekuatan,
cinta yang boleh kubawa sampai syurga Tuhan.

But above all, I hope you forgive yourself.
I hope you'll be able to.

At one point, I'll get tired of trying to hold on to everything, trying not to let things change and at one point, it won't matter and I will be okay. Dear self, be sad all you want now. Want everything to stay this way all you want now. Just like you did then, someday you won't care anymore and you will be okay, and you won't mind to not care anymore. You will be okay that you have fallen out of love, you will be okay that you let go. You will be okay, just maybe not now. So until then, until you get tired, until you completely let go, beg all you want. Plead all you want. Care all you want.

Until then.
Until it's okay.
Give it your all.

Just in case anyone would never tell you this,
I want you to know that you are appreciated.
I know how much time you "waste" on writing but damn it,
how could you ever be at peace if you didn't?
So write if you must, babygirl.
You deserve the peace you crave for.
I know you are so disgusted with how all you ever write about these days are feelings,
but I want you to know that it is okay.
This is your escape,
everyone else doesn't exist in this world of yours.
Just in case no one would ever tell you this,
I want you to know that you deserve all the love you gave,
all the love you give,
and all the love you are willing to give.
I want you to know that love is worth the distance you're willing to go.
I want you to know that love isn't meant to hurt,
and if you are not happy,
I want you to know that you still deserve happiness.
If not now, I want you to believe that it will come later.
I want you to know that things are not perfect,
and while you ever have to feel pain as you wait,
I want you to know that sometimes good things take time.
And perhaps, they take a long time because a very great outcome awaits.
And if no one would ever tell you this,
I want you to be reminded of your own values,
I want you to be reminded of how you have always taken care of them
and I want you to never forsake them for anything else.
Babygirl,
if no one would ever remind you this,
I want you to know that you are loved.
You already are, trust me on this,
so go easy on yourself.
And on others, too.
And I want you to know that it's okay to write,
it's okay to write every time,
and it's okay to write the same thing,
if that's what puts your perturbed heart at ease.
I want you to know that some people have different ways of showing love,
so I hope you bear with them.
And if things ever go wrong,
I want you to know that for long as you have Allah,
you are still gonna be okay.
And if it ever hurts or if you ever feel uneasy,
write.
Write if you must.
Write for as much as you want,
for as long as you need.
Write.