.

The thing about me is that I always bounce back.

I always do.

Put me in the toughest situation,

I'll struggle and I'll cry,

and yet,

you'll always see me bounce back.

short vent on loving yourself

Above all else, I have learned that it is of upmost importance that I never put myself in a position where I would have to doubt my worth and values, or feel any less than what I am actually worth. "Love yourself" is such a cliche thing I've heard all my life, but it has finally dawned on me as it should have earlier than it did. Because there are already people who have dishonored me, or disrespected me, or people with possibilities of them MIGHT doing that to me, so why should I be another person to hurt myself like that?

and even if the whole world was to leave me and turn their backs on me,

i pray that forever it will be,

that God allow me to always be able to come back and return to him,

and that forever it will be,

that my heart finds ease and peace in knowing that I have Him with me.

life is a continuous learning and adapting process

honestly ever since it all really ended and with all that came into my life and also kept going on in it, i have been feeling SO out of character and i'm so confused as to who and what i really am. It's like I am in a whole new process of getting used to a new person that I have to be and forsake what I knew of and was comfortable with but well, isn't life a continuous learning and adapting process, anyway?

I don't mind people making their judgements about me at this time where I kinda *do* know and feel like I really am not myself, but well of course sometimes it gets to me.. maybe just a lil bit. It's just, weird and foreign and uncomfortable having to start being close to more people and and opening up and letting people to learn you even if it's in the slightest bit-- 

it is all just..

                   SO,

                    FOREIGN, 

                                             to me.

But life is a continuous learning and adapting process and I am on my journey so wHEW,

a girl gotta chill and just enjoy the ride.

everyday it gets better

At the end of it all,

I have come to learn that;

aturan Allah itu cantik dan sempurna,
semua yang Allah tetapkan itu nisbahnya sempurna,
dan pada akhirnya,
yang Maha Tahu dan Maha Menjaga itu Allah,
maka tenanglah hati saat semuanya kau lepaskan,
dan kau mengalah dari terusan memaksa takdir.

Cukup kau tahu yang kau telah melakukan sehabis baik,
dan bersyukurlah,
kerana dipenghujungnya,
Tuhanmu melindung dan menjaga,
dan ketahuilah,
Tuhanmu terlampau penyayang untuk membiarkan doa-doamu tidak terbalas.

Lepaskan,
dan bukalah hatimu,
kepada dunia dan semua yang Allah mahu hadiahkan.

learning

one thing i truly appreciate about myself is that i do believe i am someone who is continuously willing to learn. some things may be small to others but there were things i was not taught/taught differently growing up that i had to reparent and teach myself about them and that’s okay.

It’s okay to slowly teach myself now instead of having known everything from a long time ago,

i know how we were all taught differently and my willingness to learn and slowly practice what i learn— I appreciate myself for that.

downtime

If it’s my downtime now,
where I move slower than I hope to be,
or if I am not flourishing as best as I wish to be,
then let it be it.

Just because I see other girls doing it all much better,
or just because I am not as what is expected of me,
so what?

I matter;
my well-being matters most.

It may be downtime now,
but this won’t last for long.

I am taking my time.

Takdir Allah

Tonight I belajar pasal takdir. Demi Allah, Tuhan tu Maha Baik. Specifically to Nurul Sakinah, Allah tu jaga you macam a baby. Lembut sangat-sangat cara Dia, cara Tuhan jaga you.

My break up since the past few months has made me put in a lot of efforts to connect spiritually with Allah and Islam again. I jadi suka pergi masjid. So today, after work and after makan Pelita sorang2, I nak jalan pergi masjid KLCC tapi it was already late in the evening and jalan cam jauh je so I ended up pergi Four Seasons Hotel untuk solat.

Ada satu mak cik ni, dia duduk je situ in her telekung, we didn’t bertegur pun. So after prayed, I called Aliaa as promised and I talked about Slum and a bit of W lollll I kan selamba je perangai, I thought cam “hm takpalah mak cik ni bukan kenal I pun, and mana la tahu dia tak pay attention pun I cakap apa, plus I cakap la full english and laju haha”

But after habis maghrib, she tegur-ed me and said “Aunty nak tanya, you belajar Engineering eh? What Engineering exactly eh?”

Then she went on and opened up pasal anak2 dia/problems dia (sampai menangis ☹️)and ya Allah, my meeting with her tonight really reminded me again of how takdir Allah tu memang indah sangat. I tak terfikir pun akan ada this encounter tonight but I did. This encounter buat I rasa Allah sedang menegur dan memujuk I. Lembutnya Tuhan pada aku.

Percayalah, you jaga Allah, Allah jaga you. Allah nak tegur, nak kasi solutions; cara Tuhan tu lembut sangat-sangat. Apa this aunty cakap dan luahkan tonight semuanya macam menjawab my questions and wonders yang I pendam sorang2 about what I am dealing with. Pasal family, parents and cinta.

Tonight, I want myself to remember that demi Allah, janji Allah tu benar. Perancangan Allah sentiasa lebih baik dari apa yang kita boleh bayangkan. Takdir adalah perkara yang tak diduga, tak dirancang, yang datangnya pasti dengan kemahuan Tuhan— 

dan takdir Allah itu sangatlah indah. 

Banyak sangat benda yang recently I rasa Tuhan balas balik semua ikhlas I pada Dia. Allah takkan sia-siakan hamba yang percaya, walaupun you buat dosa. Kalau you buat dosa, still pulanglah pada Allah. Recently I buat dosa pun, demi Allah, Allah masih jaga I. Masih tarik I balik to Him; baik sangat Tuhan dengan aku.

Sepanjang I cuba cari Tuhan again kan these few months, banyak kali sangat Allah temukan I dengan orang-orang yang buat I rasa kuasa Allah tu memang hebat. Dia temukan you dengan orang atau perkara yang you are meant for, all for His good intentions towards you.

One of the things yang mak cik ni cakap kat I tonight was;

“Dik, percayalah kuasa Allah. Kalau you pusing satu dunia pun, tapi kalau memang takdir you dengan dia, Allah akan temukan balik.”

Banyak lagi benda she said sebenarnya yang macam betul-betul buat I tersedar. Ya Allah, baik sangat Tuhan dekat I.

Siapa lagi nak jaga dan teman diri kita kalau bukan Tuhan?

— I wrote this because I want myself to remember this.

Percayalah pada kuasa Tuhan,

pada kasih sayang Tuhan.

Demi Allah,

Allah akan jaga.

Sentiasa akan menjaga.

—

Tonight I also realized how baik Allah towards me selama ni; 

pertemuan dan takdir aku dengan W pun adalah suatu tanda lembut dan sayangnya Allah dekat aku.

Hanya I yang kenal W in the way I did him, orang lain tak perlu faham dan tak perlu tahu.

Tonight I really am letting go,

choosing to trust in all that He plans for me.

—

I masih banyak dosa, banyak salah, belum betul-betul ikhlas dan sentiasa memilih Allah. Tapi selagi I mahu cuba, selagi tu I know that Allah will be there for me.

—

I wrote all this for me.

own up to it

I just wanna say that today, I realized that my first reaction to my failures is always that I wish I didn't screw up.

That is NOT how I should want to run things in my life.

I fear disappointments, screwing ups and rejections so so much but think of it again,

how would you not remember how to do something the right way better had you not screw up first, right?

Isn't it ABSURD to wish that you always do things the right way?

It is OKAY to make a mistake,
just own up to it.

STOP beating yourself up for making a wrong move and have other people catch you on it.

You are not meant to not do mistakes.

You are meant to learn from them.

As cliche as it sounds as people always say it,

its' true: It really is okay to make mistakes.

Just own up to it.