trying to write

the truth is so many times i wanted to write about what has weighed me down so so much, my biggest trial in my life thus far, and yet, i never, ever, got to make it.

because it just feels too complex and hard for me to ever convey it to people, not even the friends I’ve been friends with for years except for a very, very, few.

I want myself to write this because I want myself to appreciate and remember how strong I really am, how persistent and tabah I have gotten through all that was thrown at me and how amidst it all, up until today by Allah’s mercy and help, I still haven’t given up.

“Antara bantuan Allah kepada orang yang meminta bila ditimpa kesusahan adalah Allah kuatkan hatinya.”

Kalau hari ini kita kalah,

esok kita cuba lagi.

My dearest self,

I pray that for all that you have ever been so sincere of,

for all the prayers you never gave up in making,

I pray that Allah grants you in the best possible way you could never even imagine.

I pray that for all the days you spent crying alone,

being the only person you got,
to teach and tell all that is right from the wrongs,

for all the days you wished you never had to go through alone,

I pray you never lose hope that God is always hearing and seeing

and even as a sinner,

you get to ask.

And even with all that you are imperfect for,

for long as you trust in the mercy of Allah,

I pray that someday Allah grant you all that you had ever hoped for,

and so much more.

So keep learning and just give everything your best;
this MCO/Ramadhan you learned how you find joy in giving your best
and leaving the rest to Allah.