write write

 Dearest readers,

Perhaps it was Bridgerton that made me write as above (skskks) but haha lemme write today.

I have a training in 20 minutes, and some whole ass consulting report I need to translate with an ASAP deadline, but I figured I needed to slot in some time to write for a bit.

Some things recently made me reflect, a lot. Mixed feelings I feel on the inside but let me jump to the conclusion straight (Well after all, I had always written mainly for myself);

I can never turn back in time and change things that had happened. I cannot undo what had been done, or retrieve most of what have been lost. But I still have those I treasure in my life today; people around me whom I still have in my life, people whom still have me in their lives.. and they deserve my very best. I deserve my very best, as well.

It doesn't come naturally for me for a lot of things, like how some things that mattered more to others; sometimes I could not take extra notice or care of those things myself and if I were to dig deeper on the roots of such behaviors from my end, I always fear it will just push me into some self-pity pit or resentment towards how I was brought up, etc. So I don't want to do that.

Whatever I lack, I want to be able to learn those, and to change and be better, not just for myself but mostly just so that the ones I love, the ones I claim to love, feel loved in the way that they would. As I grow older, it feels like my time and energy is just getting more and more limited. I have lost a lot and there's no guarantee that I won't be losing more. But to grieve is something I cannot afford too much, either. Of all things and all people, other than my family, I guess I truly am grateful for the presence of X in my life. He's a lot like me, it feels, and it is as if having him for the most part of my life suffices almost everything; my friend, my best friend, and my place of love.

May I learn every single day to be better, and may I put in the efforts every single time to be the person I deserve from myself, and the person the people around me deserve from me. My best efforts.